NEW YORK, NEW YORK — With Election Day finally here, and Americans all over the country heading to the polls to select their new president, word out of the Donald Trump campaign is that he and his team have crunched the numbers and “seen the crayon writing on the wall.” According to sources close to the alleged billionaire, and contrary to what many presume to be a desire for Trump to not accept the outcome of the election unless he wins, he and his staff are now working on his concession speech.
“We’ve seen the chances that Nate Silver’s giving us,” one Trump aide told us under condition of anonymity and Chik-Fil-A gift cards, “and we all agreed now would be a good time to write out Mr. Trump’s concession speech.”
While our source tells us that Trump “fully intends” to concede should he not win today, his concession speech “will be unlike any other in history.”
“His instructions to us were to break the speech into 140 character segments,” the Trump staffer claimed, “so that he can rattle them off in one of his signature, trademark 3am rage-fueled tweet storms.” The staffer said that per an agreement between Trump and his campaign manager Kellyanne Conway as soon as the election was over, Mr. Trump will get access to his Twitter account back. He intends to deliver his concession speech in the same way his most infamous tweets were sent out — in the small hours of the morning.
“He really impressed on us the need to insult the media, Mexicans, and Crooked Hillary,” our Trump source says, “because Mr. Trump believes the key to any good tweetstorm is lacing your tweets with as much spittle and anger as possible. We’re also fully prepared as his staff writers for him to go completely off script and just start tweeting out ‘Fuck all your faces’ over and over again. He threatened to do that if he didn’t win the primary.”
When some staffers approached Ms. Conway, concerned that after an extremely long campaign that Trump wouldn’t have the energy to rage-tweet his concession, they were told “not to worry,” our source says.
“Kellyanne looked at us and pointed to her right nostril,” the aide reported, “and said to us, ‘Don’t worry guys. Donald’s got what he needs up his nose — excuse me, sleeve — to be super-high energy. He’ll be completely awake at 3am. Some might say he’ll be wired, even.'”
The final FiveThirtyEight projections give Donald Trump a 28.4% chance of winning the 270 Electoral College votes he needs to secure the presidency.
(h/t Laurie Crosswell (@lauriecrosswell) for the scoop)
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.