WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican Party’s in-fighting over who should replace outgoing Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-CA) has reached a fever pitch, and word on the Hill is that the two main factions of the GOP’s Civil War — its “Establishment” wing and its “Tea Party” wing — have agreed to settle their differences outside the halls of Congress, literally.
“There will be no weapons, only skin. That means no knives, no guns, just fists,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) told reporters Monday evening as he described the party’s plan to settle their power struggle and squabbles once and for all. “We’re going to have a good old fashioned rumble,” Gowdy said, “and it’ll be a clean fight, no dirty stuff. Just skin to skin.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said he is “completely on board” with the plan and hopes to “tangle” with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) one-on-one. “That greased-back huckster has driven our party to the edge of insanity for the last time,” McConnell said, “and I’m going to give him a Kentucky ass-whoppin’ like he’s never seen. This old, marble bag faced man can kick some serious ass when he needs to.”
“Is this solution unorthodox,” asked Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, “absolutely. But it’s not unheard of. For goodness sake, we’ve had politicians beaten on the floor of congress, and everyone remembers the famous pistol duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton.” Priebus said “a little fisticuffs never hurt no one” and that “sometimes you just have to rumble to get it all out.”
The combat is said to be scheduled for late next week, at night, in a park nearby the rotunda, Rep. Justin “Pony Boy” Amash told reporters. “I’m totally psyched-out for this,” Amash told the press, “because when you get sworn in, they tell you to be ready for a rumble, but I never thought all those weeks lifting with Rand would pay off in my first term!” Amash said as a member of the libertarian wing of the party, he will “suspend” his belief in the Non-Aggression Principle that libertarians ascribe to in order to “teach the big government spenders” in his party “what liberty really means.”
One Congressional Republican, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), however, is not on board with this plan. “It just seems so unnecessary and amateurish to me,” Graham told reporters, adding that “the only time [he] advocate[s] violence is when there’s a chance to blow up little brown people for profit, like a good Republican should.” Graham said he will be abstaining from the rumble, but will watch from one parking lot over and assist Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) should the elderly war veteran need some help fending off younger members of the Tea Party caucus.
“Republicans have to be willing to show the nation they are fighters,” Rep. Darrell Issa said at a press conference over the weekend, “and that includes fighting each other. How can we ever expect to stop Hillary Clinton and her liberal agenda if we can’t beat the living hell out of each other first?” Issa said that he’ll fight on the side of the Tea Party and looks forward to “clocking Orin Hatch one good” with a gavel from his old Congressional Oversight committee.
Results from the rumble will be posted later this week.