Tea Partier Briefly Considers ‘Just Admitting’ He’s Afraid of Mexicans

PORCINE FALLS, IOWA — Andy Cutter has worked on his family’s farm from the time he was born, which was just over 46 years ago. He was born and raised in a Christian home that he says “abides by all the principles of Christ” including “loving your neighbor.” Cutter is a Republican who voted for George W. Bush twice, his father twice, and Ronald Reagan three times (he told us that he “doesn’t agree with anything our so-called Republic has done to the Constitution in the last 150 years” and therefore he ignores the 22nd Amendment’s forbidding of more than two terms by any one person and he wrote Reagan in back in 1996).

Cutter considers himself a Tea Party Republican because he says he’s “taxed enough already” and he believes in “a super-small government that only concerns itself with protecting our borders and every unborn child in this nation until which point it’s born and we determine its citizenship status and whether to catapult it back over the border.” Cutter though, says that sometimes he gets a little “exhausted” with keeping up the facade that his anti-immigrant views are about “the rule of law” or “protecting our borders,” and wishes he could just be honest with himself and the world sometimes.

“Yeah, sometimes I think it might be easier for we conservatives to just admit that this whole push to repeal birthright citizenship and effectively nullify the 14th Amendment is about fear,” Cutter says, “and I’ve thought recently about just admitting I’m afraid of Mexicans, instead of hiding behind grand, soaring rhetoric about law and order and the like. It’d just be so much easier to admit the truth, that I can see the shifting demographics in this country and since I haven’t been nearly enough exposed to Latino or Hispanic people I am innately prejudiced against them, and therefore my irrational fear is driving me to support things that radically change how we treat people born here.”

Cutter says that it’d be so much easier for him and the rest of the conservative Republican base just “come clean” about their “irrational fears of people and cultures we don’t understand.” He told The Political Garbage Chute that “we wouldn’t have to look like idiots bleating away about disease and the welfare state” if Republicans could just be “truly truthful about how much we are scared to not be the racial majority in America by the end of the next decade.”

“Of course all this anti-14th amendment crap is just a cynical ploy to try and keep the voter rolls as free from Hispanic and Latino people as possible,” Cutter said, “it’s not like it’s hard for anyone to see that. But if we come right out and say that, we have to deal with criticism, and if there’s one thing we conservative Republicans hate, it’s being challenged in our dogmatic faith in antiquated ideas and paradigms.”

Mr. Cutter told us that he’s still undecided between Donald Trump, Scott Walker and Jeb! as to who will get his vote. “I like that Trump is willing to say what he wants to say, even it’s stupid, easily debunked, poisonous and downright racist. I like that Scott Walker hates education because as he’s proven, he’s dumb as hell and has gotten quite far in life, and I like Jeb! because his family has never done anything but succeed in the White House, so it’s hard to pick just one.” Cutter said he’ll go with whichever candidate “best uses racist dog whistles” and “alludes the most to deporting every illegal in the land, no matter how inhumane, unconstitutional or downright stupid an idea that is.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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