President Declares Tampa Bay Rays Winners of World Series ‘By Electoral College Rules’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Los Angeles Dodgers capped off a season for the ages, one marked by the much shortened schedule, thanks to the coronavirus pandemic, by defeating the Tampa Bay Rays in six games, winning the World Series for the first time in 32 years.

The Dodgers, however, may want to hold off on any celebratory parades or festivities when they return to California. That’s because the most powerful manchild in the free world has decided to throw his enormous weight, and the power of his office, around. In a strongly worded letter he’s calling a “presidential constitutional decree,” the president is demanding that Major League Baseball award the World Series trophy to the Rays instead, “by Electoral College Rules.”

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“The president believes only real winner get few points than their competitors,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters on the White House lawn this morning. “He believes that winning by losing is a great American tradition, and anyone who sees his track record in business and bankruptcy knows he’s been making losing look and feel like winning his entire adult diapered life.”

The last time the Dodgers won a World Series was back in 1988, and some fans might recall that was the year a truly hobbled Kirk Gibson took a 3-2 pitch from ace closer Dennis Eckersley deep into the right field pavilion at Dodger Stadium in the bottom of the ninth inning of Game 1. It was one of the most thrilling comebacks in baseball history. Donald Trump remembers 1988 as his daily breakfast caloric intake target.

“Accordingly, he has sent a very powerfully-worded letter to the Commissioner of Major League Baseball,” McDitzydick explained, “demanding that they rescind the trophy from the Dodgers and, instead award it to Tampa Bay. As part of this amazing deal, brokered by the most pretend-successful fake business mogul, Florida will then be obliged to award all of its Electoral College votes to President Trump next week. The president believes he’s made all parties an offer they can’t refuse.”

Major League Baseball three days to comply, or Trump will send the army in to “forcefully” remove the championship from the Dodgers.

“In this country, we reward the team that loses all the time. From participation trophies, to confederate war monuments,” McDitzydick asserted, “to the presidency itself. Our society is rich with institutions geared toward keeping mediocre white men in power as long as possible, and as long as President Trump remains in power — which will be forever — America will stay that way.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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