Just hours after Politico broke a bombshell story — that the Supreme Court had voted in February to strike down Roe vs Wade — MAGA Americans are being congratulated on their success, though the source of the congratulations might raise a few eyebrows.
In a press release sent to various news outlets, the Taliban told MAGA country they should be “proud” of their “high achievement in the field of dehumanizing and subjugating women.” The Taliban once more confirmed their “kinship of spirit” with MAGA Americans, and wished them “future success in turning women into the birthing cows God designed them to be.”
A portion of the Taliban’s statement follows.
The Taliban wish to extend our heartiest, puss-grabbing congratulations to the MAGA Americans who waged a successful fifty year campaign against the weaker sex. Your hard work, determination, and commitment to making sure women know their true place in society should make you all swell with pride just like you swell with fried food when you stop by Chick-Fil-A on the way home from the Piggly Wiggly! This is truly a high achievement in the field of dehumanizing and subjugating women, and the Taliban commends MAGA for this bigly accomplishment!
Everyone knows God’s only true purpose for a woman is to catch our seed. That’s it. Everything else is a lie that demands swift punishment. Women are clearly too emotional to handle themselves. Just ask Brett Kavanaugh, who knows a thing or two about hysterical public breakdowns.
As good as it must feel to rip away millions of Americans’ rights to procreate when they choose to procreate, we know you have your sights set on overturning more than just abortion rights. We know you want to drive your country into a theocratic dark ages. You know, to save sinners from the freedom you pretend to love so much. Boy, does that make our little misogynist hearts sing, and our even littler fascist dicks hard. We can’t wait to see how happy you all are when Alito’s reasoning is used to strike marriage equality and interracial marriage from the books.
We wish you, our similarly inbred, ignorant and unwashed brethren much future success in turning women into the birthing cows God designed them to be.
@jamboschlarmbo After reviewing the data, it appears that 💯 of Abortions Are None Of Your Fucking Business if you’re not the one having one. #abortion #sketchcomedy #politicalsatire #roevswade #comedy #womensrights ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.