Texas

Jesus Warns His Trans Little Children to ‘Stay the Fuck Away’ From the Bible Belt

https://youtu.be/MpaK48NMrTU KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry "God" Schumway, and Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., held an urgent press conference this morning. Christ urged any and all parents of transgender children living in the...

Pat Robertson: God Will Warm Texas If He Stops Watching “Magic Mike” for Research Purposes Twelve Times a Week

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- Living fossil and televangelist Pat Robertson often speaks to God about what's going in the United States. In particular, Robertson will dialogue with God about natural disasters and weather phenomenon. Usually, God tells Robertson exactly...

Oklahoma Man Extradited to Texas After Being Caught Spanking It in Dallas

GILEAD COUNTY, TEXAS -- Officials with the Texas State Sex Fluid and Biomatter Protection Agency are reporting this morning that they have 35-year-old Fred Franklin in custody. Franklin had been wanted in connection to an alleged attempted genocide of millions...

Texas Celebrates Its First Ever Forced Labor Day Weekend

AUSTIN, TEXASS -- All over America this weekend, people will be celebrating the achievements and advancements in human society made by the labor movement. While some whose politics fall on the right side of the spectrum may only choose...

Texas Man Faces Attempted Murder Charges for Finishing on His Cousin’s Stomach

GILEAD COUNTY, TEXAS -- If he had known its true, full implications, then 36 year old Matthew Palumricci would never, ever have supported the new six-week abortion ban that passed in his state. That's what he told us from...

SCOTUS Declines to Stop Texas Law Putting This Guy In Charge of Inspecting Your Pussy

The United States Supreme Court will not stop a new Texas abortion law.

United Airlines Ending Its Frequent Fuckface Miles Program

United Airlines has announced that after careful consideration of the events of the past 48 hours they will be ending their Frequent Fuckface Miles program, effective immediately. The Frequent Fuckface Miles rewards system is a favorite among misanthropic politicians...

Last Week, Ted Cruz Met With Trump’s Balls for a Supreme Court Argument Strategy Sesh

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Supreme Court of the United States will not hear the suit brought by the Attorney General of Texas against four swing states, and effectively that ends Trump's attempts to steal the election in the courtroom....

Biden Supporters Surround Trump Bus and Tell It How to Get to Sesame Street

CHINGADAS, TEXAS -- A tense situation in Texas has resolved itself, and the occupants of a pro-Trump bus are now safely back on the road toward their ultimate destination. According to several witnesses on the scene, a busload of Trump...

Texas Democrat Authors Bill That Would Sentence Masturbating Men to Death

AUSTIN, TEXAS -- Republican lawmakers in the State of Texas are trying to get a bill passed and onto the governor's desk that would criminalize all abortion procedures without any exceptions. Because capital punishment is legal in Texas, it...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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