Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz Says He’ll Stand Under the Mistletoe With Trump If Ivanka Won’t

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a weekly press conference held by Senate Republicans, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) was asked for his thoughts on whether former, one term, twice permanently impeached President Don Trump should run for his party's nomination again...

Biologists Confirm: Ted Cruz is a Sentient Crotch Cyst

In an unforeseen turn of events, sources say that top Republican brass are weighing their options, and feverishly researching reams of legal documents, and even the Constitution, hoping to find some way to keep one of their most infamous...

Inspired by Cruz, Next Episode of “Sesame Street” Will Be Brought to You By the Letters “C-U-N-T”

Right from its inception, the educational television show "Sesame Street" has sought to inform and teach young kids about the world around them, as well as to instruct them in basic literacy. In the 1970's, the show helped a...

Republicans Race to Defend One of Their Own After Bathroom Confrontation

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressional Republicans have begun to close ranks and circle the wagons in defense of one of their strongest allies -- Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona. On Twitter, insurrectionist, pro-MAGA Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) blasted conservative CNN...

Cruz Reminds Constituents That The ‘Back Door Means No Babies and No Abortions’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The American right-wing, particularly those in Evangelical circles, have been pushing make abortion illegal for decades. Ever since the Supreme Court ruled in the early 1970's that before a fetus' medical viability a woman had a...

Scientists Unable to Predict if Ted Cruz Can Evolve Past Booger-Eating Fascist Stage

To say that Ted Cruz's political career is unique would be an understatement, given that he is -- at least as far as anyone knows -- the only booger-eating fascist currently serving in Congress. While there are certainly many...

Data Suggests Literally Nobody Gives a Fuck What Ted Cruz Thinks About Anything

Does anybody in America actually give a fuck what Senator Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) thinks about any given subject? New data seems to suggest not in the slightest. In a new report published in the New American Journal of Learning Shit,...

One Had Well Done Steak, The Other Had Trump Dick

It was a night one of them would never forget, and that was forgotten as soon as the other one got back to his luxury suite and got into bed with his First Lady and lover, who doesn't mind...

Surgeon General Recommends Shitting on Ted Cruz Twice Daily

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The acting Surgeon General of the United States has issued a new set of guidelines for the continued health and well-being of the American people. While most of Rear Admiral Susan Orsega's health guidelines won't come...

United Airlines Ending Its Frequent Fuckface Miles Program

United Airlines has announced that after careful consideration of the events of the past 48 hours they will be ending their Frequent Fuckface Miles program, effective immediately. The Frequent Fuckface Miles rewards system is a favorite among misanthropic politicians...
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Mark Meadows Signals Intent to Plead the Filth Before January 6th Committee

Former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, through his attorney, has made the House Select Committee investigating the...
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