quarantine

Historians Unearth Draft of Famous Patrick Henry ‘Give Me Retail Shopping and Give Me Death’ Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Researchers at the National Academy of History and Past Events announced this morning that they've made a rather interesting and unforeseen discovery in their basement filing cabinets. The NAHPE is tasked with curating and cataloging a...

CDC Suggests ‘Electoral Distancing’ From Trump Administration

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Over the past week and a half, Americans were introduced to new, but extremely vital phrase for their lexicons -- "social distancing." It's the practice of keeping a good, healthy distance from others. Medical experts have recommended...

Poll: 70% of Americans Believe Trump Should Self-Quarantine in Hole Six Feet Underground

The results of a new poll, released just today, indicate that seven out of ten Americans believe that President Donald Trump should self-quarantine during the coronavirus outbreak, and that he should consider doing it from within a hole, six...
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Tucker Carlson Lands Exclusive Interview With Putin’s Taint

A visibly excited Tucker Carlson announced on Fox News this morning that he would be flying to Moscow this...
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