Progressive

DNA Test Proves Lahren and McEnany Came From Same Sewage Plant as Coulter and Ingraham

Results from a recently conducted DNA test indicate that four of the most popular female conservative "fire brand" commentators all likely came from the same sewage treatment plant. According to LabTest, Inc., they recently finished testing DNA samples provided by...

Win or Lose, Trump is Entitled to Secret Service Protection and Lindsey Graham BJs For Life

The truth is, despite the punditry class and America's elected officials' high-volume assertions, nobody really knows what the outcome of the 2020 presidential election will be. In less than twenty-four hours, the sun will rise on the day that...

Pence Just Realized Sucking Trump Off So Much Cost Him Valuable Talking Time During Debate

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A pink-eyed, exasperated Vice President High Priest Mike Pence was so upset by what he just figured out that he cried out in anguish, and could be heard from outside his office door. MORE: Op-Ed: We Need...

Eric Finds Daddy’s Next Tax Payment in White House Sofa Cushions

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- "Daddy! Daddy! Come quick! I just found a butt load of money, and we can keep it all, Daddy!" ALSO: Trump Thought IRS Stood For “I Repulsed Stormy” The shouts were heard last night, coming from the presidential...

Lindsey Graham Offering ‘Handies and Half-and-Halfs’ to Campaign Donors

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump's Taint) has not been coy or reticent about describing the dire situation his re-election campaign is in. Facing Democratic challenger Jamie Harrison, Graham is not only sinking in the polls, he's gone...

Taliban Endorses Judge Amy Coney Barrett for Supreme Court Justice

AFGHANISTAN -- The Taliban have issued the following statement, in their words "fully and completely endorsing fellow Religious Zealot" Judge Amy Coney Barrett to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the United States Supreme Court. The Taliban statement...

Obama Confirms Sinking Trump Boats Was Final Mission of Operation Jade Helm

SECRET COMMIE SHARIA BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN KENYA -- Former President and current Dark Lord of Socialism Barack Hussein Obama has reportedly been caught in recorded audio admitting that he was behind the sinking of several boats near Austin, Texas...

Trump Orders George Soros to Defund Antifa

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an executive order he's calling "bigly urgent and emergency-ical," President Donald J. Trump has officially demanded that billionaire George Soros defund AntiFa. MORE: Trump Starting New Website With Ivanka: OnlyFams The order, signed this morning after the...

Robertson: “If Jesus Died For Your Sins, The Least You Can Do Is Die For Trump’s Economy!”

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- Televangelist Pat Robertson hasn't done much to hide his support for President Donald Trump. Though Christ's teachings were for his disciples to "pay Caesar what is due Caesar and pay God what is due God,"...

Trump Suggests Adult Film Industry Rename ATMs to “Doing a McEnany”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At the time of publication, it's still not quite clear how or why the subject came to the attention of the President of the United States, but regardless he's made his opinion on the issue quite...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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