Progressive

DNA Test Proves Lahren and McEnany Came From Same Sewage Plant as Coulter and Ingraham

Results from a recently conducted DNA test indicate that four of the most popular female conservative "fire brand" commentators all likely came from the same sewage treatment plant. According to LabTest, Inc., they recently finished testing DNA samples provided by...

GA Accuses Greene of Taking Tax Deductions on Two Separate Home Meth Labs

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The State of Georgia is accusing one of its own congressional representatives of illegally taking a tax deduction on two separate home meth labs. In paperwork filed yesterday, Georgia's tax collection agency says that freshman Congresswoman Marjorie...

Trump Campaign Legal Team Scouring Constitution for ‘Stamping Feet and Holding Breath’ Clause

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The days are growing shorter, and Donald Trump's legal team is growing more and more desperate to overturn the election results. Despite not presenting any credible evidence either in court, or to the media, attorneys Rudy...

Biden Legally Changes Middle Name to “Fuck Trump”

HAWKEYE, DELAWARE -- Today, President-elect Joe Biden did what his transition team is calling "some light housekeeping paperwork" ahead of his inauguration on January 21st, 2021. The legal paperwork necessary to file in order to change one's name has been...

Win or Lose, Trump is Entitled to Secret Service Protection and Lindsey Graham BJs For Life

The truth is, despite the punditry class and America's elected officials' high-volume assertions, nobody really knows what the outcome of the 2020 presidential election will be. In less than twenty-four hours, the sun will rise on the day that...

Pence Just Realized Sucking Trump Off So Much Cost Him Valuable Talking Time During Debate

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A pink-eyed, exasperated Vice President High Priest Mike Pence was so upset by what he just figured out that he cried out in anguish, and could be heard from outside his office door. MORE: Op-Ed: We Need...

Eric Finds Daddy’s Next Tax Payment in White House Sofa Cushions

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- "Daddy! Daddy! Come quick! I just found a butt load of money, and we can keep it all, Daddy!" ALSO: Trump Thought IRS Stood For “I Repulsed Stormy” The shouts were heard last night, coming from the presidential...

Lindsey Graham Offering ‘Handies and Half-and-Halfs’ to Campaign Donors

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump's Taint) has not been coy or reticent about describing the dire situation his re-election campaign is in. Facing Democratic challenger Jamie Harrison, Graham is not only sinking in the polls, he's gone...

Taliban Endorses Judge Amy Coney Barrett for Supreme Court Justice

AFGHANISTAN -- The Taliban have issued the following statement, in their words "fully and completely endorsing fellow Religious Zealot" Judge Amy Coney Barrett to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the United States Supreme Court. The Taliban statement...

Obama Confirms Sinking Trump Boats Was Final Mission of Operation Jade Helm

SECRET COMMIE SHARIA BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN KENYA -- Former President and current Dark Lord of Socialism Barack Hussein Obama has reportedly been caught in recorded audio admitting that he was behind the sinking of several boats near Austin, Texas...
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Latest News

George Santos Announces Kitara Ravache Will Handle His Committee Assignments

Congressman George Santos (Q-NY) has had a pretty rough start to his freshman year in the House of Representatives. Before...
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