Parkland

Ted Nugent Credits Clean Lifestyle, Being Total Raging Asshole For Out Living Contemporaries

SHART BRITCHES, MICHIGAN -- Aging, once-briefly-relevant rocker Ted Nugent made national headlines this week when he attacked the survivors of the Parkland, Florida school shooting who started the #NeverAgain movement and organized the #MarchforOurLives. Since the shooting on Valentine's Day...

NRA, Chick-Fil-A, American Nazi Party Triple Their Sponsorships Of Laura Ingraham’s Show

In the weeks since they survived the horrific mass shooting at their high school, some students from Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida have come under heavy scrutiny and criticism from some members of the right-wing. At issue...

NRA Executive Just Two More School Shootings From Being Able To Afford Fourth Vacation Home

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- Today, during a board meeting of the executives of the National Rifle Association, board memberĀ Tim Timberlake said that thanks to the spike in donations to the NRA -- tripling since the Parkland school shooting -- he...

Trump Says Obama Used ‘Sharia Voodoo’ And Forced Him To Ban Bump Stocks Under Mind Control

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last week, President Donald Trump shocked many in his own party and even among his base when he ordered Attorney General Jeff Sessions to have the Department of Justice ban the manufacture and sale of "bump...

Betsy DeVos Not Sure How To Arm Teachers That Already Have Two

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On Valentine's Day this year, a gunman attacked Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Armed with a semi-automatic rifle, he was able to kill 17 and wound many more before ultimately being apprehended. Though this...

Dick’s Will No Longer Sell Replacement Dicks

CORAPOLIS, PENNSYLVANIA -- Retail giant Dick's Sporting Goods announced today that they will no longer be in the business of selling phallic replacement devices, in the wake of one the country's most popular stand-in penises being used to murder...

President Trump Rushes Headlong Into White House Screening Of “Die Hard” And Runs Out Screaming 10 Minutes Later

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, President Donald Trump was witnessed by several people in his administration bravely charging into a screening room that was showing a screening of the 1988 classic action film, "Die Hard." The film stars Bruce Willis...

Dana Loesch Not Sure She Wants To Be The NRA’s Spokesterrorist Anymore

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- Many Americans might have gotten the sense in the last fifteen years or so that weekly, if not daily, incidents of gunfire in public schools are a routine part of life in the United States. However,...

Trump’s Bone Spurs Refute President’s Claims He’d Run Into Mass Shooting With No Gun Of His Own

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, President Donald Trump, during a meeting with the nation's governors, said that he would have probably charged headlong into Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, unarmed, if he had been in a position to do...

Gun Rights Activist Will Only Fly Across Country On His AR-15 After Airlines Drop NRA Partnerships

SPRINGFIELD, WEST VIRGINIA -- In his home town, there is perhaps no stronger or vocal proponent of the Second Amendment thanĀ Grant Phillips. That is to say, Phillips himself admits, that there is no bigger proponent of the modern reading...
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Biden Tells MTG He’ll Shoot Down Chinese Balloon When She Finds China or Montana on a Map

President Joe Biden was asked today about whether or not he's heard the calls from House Republicans to direct...
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