Olympics

Charlie Kirk Wins Gold Medal for Having a Terrifyingly Small Face on a Hilariously Giant Head

Right-wing provocateur Charlie Kirk made waves today when he lashed out and criticized multiple-gold medal winning American gymnast Simone Biles, who took herself out competition for the team finals last night in Tokyo. Kirk blasted Biles for explaining her...

Unathletic Traitor Has Some Thoughts to Share on Simone Biles

MT. DICKHOLE, WEST VIRGINIA -- 48-year-old Doug Palumbo is not what anyone would call athletically gifted, but he doesn't hide from that fact. Friends, work colleagues, and fellow klansmen all describe him as someone who has self-deprecating humor and...

Patriotic American Rooting For Socialist Countries to Beat U.S. Women’s Soccer Team

WHISTLING DICK LAKE, FLORIDA -- 34-year-old Marcus Palumbo is a self-described "über patriot," and often tells his friends he "bleeds red, white, and blue." The Olympics are a special time for Palumbo, because he loves America so much, and...

Greene ‘Devastated’ She Wasn’t Picked for Olympic Equestrian Team

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Freshman congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) makes no secret of her passion for working out. As a former gym owner, Greene often posts videos to her social media that show her workout routine. As large a part...

Sha’Carri Richardson Suspended After Testing Positive for Snack Enhancing Drug

Olympic sprinter Sha'Carri Richardson will miss her signature 100-meter dash event at the 2021 Summer Olympics in Tokyo, now that she's been suspended. Ms. Richardson's suspension was handed down today, after she tested positive for a "prohibited snack enhancing...

Olympic Swimmer Not Kicked Off Team After Showing to Up Practice Drunk

LAKE HOOCH, FLORIDA -- 27-year-old Olympic swimmer Ryan McGee will not be kicked off the team, coaches have told reporters this morning. This, despite the fact that Mr. McGee reportedly showed up to a practice this week, according to...

We Asked the American Flag If It Felt Offended By Gwen Berry’s Political Protest

This weekend, MAGA social media was incensed by the actions of a black athlete during a non-competitive segment of an athletic sporting event. This time, it was Olympic-qualifying hammer thrower Gwen Berry's protest during a podium ceremony she was...

Liberty Loving Patriot Wants Gwen Berry Deported For Disrespecting America’s Freedom Rag

SHITLIP, GEORGIA -- When someone asks 30-year-old right-wing YouTuber Matthew Palumbozo about nearly any subject, he prides himself on being able to relate his answer back to the Constitution, and more importantly, he says, to the "freedoms and liberties"...

Furious Trump Demands American Curlers Take Their Shots Standing Upright

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources within the White House have reported that over the weekend, President Donald Trump caught as much of the 2018 Winter Olympics that he could. Trump enjoys spending time watching television and tweeting about what he...

U.S. Recruits Its Best Athlete To Winter Olympics Team

COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO -- In a surprising and completely unforeseen development, the United States Olympic Committee announced today that it has added the country's best athlete to its roster for the upcoming Winter Olympics in South Korea next month. "We...
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Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have never, and never will apply...
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