Nuclear weapons

Trump Asks Joint Chiefs If U.S. Can ‘Nuke Coronavirus Like a Hurricane’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Projecting an air of confidence and competence has been a mainstay of President Donald Trump's tenure. Mr. Trump has often boasted to the media and particularly his strong, if not small base of loyal supporters, that...

Hurricane Dorian Makes Preemptive Strike Against U.S. Nuclear Arsenal

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At the time of publication, the Pentagon is confirming that the United States military is formulating a response to an unforeseen and catastrophic attack on its nuclear arsenal from Hurricane Dorian. Reportedly, President Trump is incensed...

Bush Says Trump Should Know How to Pronounce ‘Nookular Weapons’ Before He Uses Them on Hurricanes

CABEZA MIERDA, TEXAS -- Former President George W. Bush left the public spotlight in January of 2009 when Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president. Throughout Obama's two terms, Mr. Bush was usually mum on most subjects....

Trump: “I Didn’t Consider Nuking Hurricanes Because Everyone Knows You Nuke Tornadoes”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This past weekend, Axios published a story that suggested President Donald Trump has on multiple occasions suggested to his advisers that the United States should seriously consider attacking hurricanes with nuclear weapons.  During one hurricane briefing at the White...

Un, Trump Dispute Who Legitimized Whom’s Fascist, Authoritarian Kakistocracy

AIR FORCE ONE -- The earliest reports of the historic summit between President Donald Trump and North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un are that an agreement that the White House is calling "comprehensive" was signed and very broad concessions...

Trump, Un Set ‘Hard And Fast’ Self-Fellatio Time Limit Ahead of Summit

SINGAPORE -- Representatives from President Donald Trump and North Korea's dictator Kim Jong Un announced via a joint statement today that they have agreed upon some very preliminary items head of tomorrow's historic summit between the two countries. "We know...

Trump Orders White House Crew to Downsize Big Red Button For His Fingers

Engineers are busy in the White House downsizing the big red button that presidents use to launch nuclear strikes to something for suited to Trump.

Jesus Christ: ‘Bachmann Is Right, I’m Coming Again…For a Sandwich’

Jesus Christ says Michele Bachmann is right about him coming back to Earth, but wrong about the reason why.

POLL: 4 out of 5 Dead Iraq War Vets ‘Don’t Give A S**t’ About Dick Cheney’s Opinion on Iran Nuke Deal

A new poll of dead Iraq War vets shows just how much they value Dick Cheney's opinion on the Iran nuclear deal.
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Smithsonian Apologizes for Escaped Horse Faced Cave Troll’s Disruptions During State of the Union

Last night, one of the Smithsonian's displays came alive and escaped the confines of the museum. Reportedly, the horse...
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