National Rifle Association

Betsy DeVos Not Sure How To Arm Teachers That Already Have Two

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On Valentine's Day this year, a gunman attacked Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Armed with a semi-automatic rifle, he was able to kill 17 and wound many more before ultimately being apprehended. Though this...

Dick’s Will No Longer Sell Replacement Dicks

CORAPOLIS, PENNSYLVANIA -- Retail giant Dick's Sporting Goods announced today that they will no longer be in the business of selling phallic replacement devices, in the wake of one the country's most popular stand-in penises being used to murder...

Gun Rights Activist Will Only Fly Across Country On His AR-15 After Airlines Drop NRA Partnerships

SPRINGFIELD, WEST VIRGINIA -- In his home town, there is perhaps no stronger or vocal proponent of the Second Amendment thanĀ Grant Phillips. That is to say, Phillips himself admits, that there is no bigger proponent of the modern reading...

Local Breitbart Reader Says Marjory Stoneman Survivors Were Duped By ‘Crisis Corpses’

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Jethro Bohiggins is a devout reader of Breitbart, and he enjoys Infowars as well. Bohiggins is also a right-wing podcaster, YouTube personality, and Facebook page owner, and he says he is absolutely livid these...

God to Americans: “Your Kids Are Making It Here Faster Than Your Thoughts And Prayers”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This morning, Larry "God" Schumway held a press conference in front of the Pearly Gates, and when asked by heavenly reporters, he spoke briefly about the epidemic of school shootings in the United States. Schumway...

Trump Tweets Sincere Condolences For Shooting At Columbine

"His base knows he's gonna shoot before aiming, or even really getting the gun out of its holster."

Jesus Christ to Americans: “Thoughts and Prayers Aren’t Made of Kevlar”

"They aren't going to stop anything, least of which being a high-speed projectile fired at terminal velocity."

Mexico Asks Trump to Pay for Northern Border Wall to Keep American Mass Shooters Out

"When the United States issues guns, it's not giving them to their best."

Founding Fathers to America: ‘Stop Asking Us About Modern Gun Violence, Dummies!’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a recent seance and press conference in the nation's capital, reporters were able to contact and question the spirits of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and John Adams. All four spirits of course are best...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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