Mike Pence

Trump Thought Russians Were Paying the Taliban to Throw Paper Towels at U.S. Soldiers

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an administration seemingly built on and fueled by scandal, the administration's latest fiasco has put them in perhaps one of their toughest positions in three years. Over the weekend, an explosive new report in The New...

Vice President Pence: “I’m Just Used To Leaving the House With The President’s Rectum Covering My Face”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- High Priest Vice President Mike Pence held a hastily thrown together press conference earlier this morning. The sole purpose behind it was to, according to Reverend Pence, "explain to the American people and the good folks...

Mike Pence Asks Heaven If Jesus Could Join Coronavirus Response Team

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice President of Trinity, Inc., held his weekly press conference before the Pearly Gates this morning and discussed a number of topics ranging from "who put the bop in...

Mike Pence Went Looking for Coronavirus Videos But Accidentally Watched Pornhub for 12 Hours

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources close to the situation are reporting that Vice President High Priest Mike Pence has spent approximately the last twelve hours watching a steady and endless stream of video clips on Pornhub. Pence initially got onto...

White House Wants Bill Outlawing Abortion After Point Of Erection

WASHINGTON, D.C. --  At a prayer breakfast in the nation's capital today, the country's vice president and official high religious inquisitor told attendees that he and President Donald J. Trump have been working on a new law they intend...

Trump Demands Toyota Immediately Produce Vaccine for “Corollavirus”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald J. Trump has issued and official presidential demand to the executive board and shareholders of Japanese automotive company Toyota, ordering them to "immediately and without any delay" produce a vaccine for the "Corollavirus." The...

Mike Pence Orders CDC to Quadruple Thought and Prayer Capacity to Combat Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As his first official act in the capacity of overseeing the country's response to a potential coronavirus update, Vice President High Priest Mike Pence has issued an order to the Centers for Disease Control for a...

14 Year Old Girl Assures Trump and Pence She Wasn’t Really Using Her Reproductive Rights Yet, Anyway

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A 14 year old girl visiting the president and vice president at the White House this morning let them know they're free to choose someone to replace outgoing Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy with a strongly...

Olympics Opening Ceremony Gives Mike Pence Dangerous Levels Of Trouser Turgidity

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA -- White House officials are confirming at this hour that Vice President Mike Pence is in stable condition, but is still "shaken, woozy, and a bit confused," one aide said, after watching the 2018 Winter Olympics...

Flustered Mike Pence Keeps Writing “1817” On All His Checks And Social Policy Initiatives

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Vice President Mike Pence is like any other person in the world, despite being the third most powerful man in the world behind President Donald Trump and Actual President Vladimir Putin. He puts his pants on...
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Tucker Carlson Lands Exclusive Interview With Putin’s Taint

A visibly excited Tucker Carlson announced on Fox News this morning that he would be flying to Moscow this...
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