mass shooting

Thoughts and Prayers Stop Next Mass Shooter Just Before He Pulls the Trigger

COUSINLOVER, ALABAMA -- Some are calling it a "miracle." Others are calling it a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. However one chooses to describe it, however, the fact remains that a mass shooting event in Alabama was halted today when some thoughts...

NRA Spokesman: Time Between Mass Shootings Shows An ‘Appalling Lack Of Freedom and Liberty’ In Australia

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- This morning, as the world grieves over the first mass shooting in Australia in over 20 years, the NRA says that amount of time between such incidents should "scare the holy living hell" out of every...

Dick’s Will No Longer Sell Replacement Dicks

CORAPOLIS, PENNSYLVANIA -- Retail giant Dick's Sporting Goods announced today that they will no longer be in the business of selling phallic replacement devices, in the wake of one the country's most popular stand-in penises being used to murder...

Trump’s Bone Spurs Refute President’s Claims He’d Run Into Mass Shooting With No Gun Of His Own

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, President Donald Trump, during a meeting with the nation's governors, said that he would have probably charged headlong into Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, unarmed, if he had been in a position to do...

Jesus Christ to Americans: “Thoughts and Prayers Aren’t Made of Kevlar”

"They aren't going to stop anything, least of which being a high-speed projectile fired at terminal velocity."

Mexico Asks Trump to Pay for Northern Border Wall to Keep American Mass Shooters Out

"When the United States issues guns, it's not giving them to their best."

God Tells Pat Robertson: No One Respects Trump ‘So Shut Up You Doddering Douche’

Televangelist Pat Robertson believes God punished America for disrespecting Trump by allowing the Las Vegas shooting to happen. God disagrees.

Trumper Confused Where Paddock Got His Guns From Since Obama Took Them All

Las Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock had an arsenal at his disposal. But one right-wing podcaster thinks Barack Obama might be to be blame.

Trump Supporter Confused Why “Travel” Ban Didn’t Prevent Las Vegas Act of Terror

After the deadliest mass shooting in American history in Las Vegas, one right-winger is very confused about it's implications for Trump's travel ban.
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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