Mars

Martian Hopes Musk Buys Twitter and It Keeps ‘That Billionaire Cretin’ Far Away From His Planet

Meepzorp is a resident of the Planet of Mars and recently told our outlet during an interstellar Skype session that they largely stay out of the affairs of earthlings. In general, they told us, Meepzorp doesn't feel it's their...

Poll: Majority Support Spending $6 Billion to Yeet Elon Musk to Pluto

Billionaire Elon Musk -- who reportedly is on track to become the world's very first trillionaire -- isn't quite sure that a $6 billion donation would wipeout world hunger. In a sarcastic Twitter exchange, Musk offered to give that...

First Recorded Sounds From Mars Are Martians Thanking Us For Electing Biden

In a truly stunning turn of events, the first audio recordings of the surface of Mars have been transmitted back to Earth by a rover vehicle. As surprising as it may be to many of us to be able...

Trump: Space Force Will Put Base on Shared Earth/Mars Moon

AIR FORCE INDIVIDUAL-1 -- Flying back across the Atlantic to Washington, D.C. after participating in ceremonies honoring the 7th Anniversary of D-Day , President. Trump told reporters he has decided to order his Space Force to begin construction of...

Trump: Space Force Will Put Base on Shared Earth/Mars Moon

AIR FORCE INDIVIDUAL-1 -- Flying back across the Atlantic to Washington, D.C. after participating in ceremonies honoring the 7th Anniversary of D-Day , President. Trump told reporters he has decided to order his Space Force to begin construction of...

Martian Cat Kills Curiosity

MARS -- The chief tracking officer at NASA is confirming at the time of publication that the Mars rover known as "Curiosity" has likely been taken permanently offline after it was attacked by a massive Martian feline. //pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle...

SpaceX Developing New Mars Leash So Space Colonists Can Be Yanked Back Home

Elon Musk's SpaceX is at it again! Today, at a press conference for investors, Musk announced that his space flight and exploration company, which has already made history with its series of Falcon rockets, will begin immediate development on a...

President Trump Designates Trappist-1 Solar System As Construction Site For Death Star

The newly discovered exoplanets in the TRAPPIST-1 solar system will be the construction site for a new American battle station.

Ted Cruz: Mars Water Supply Proves Girls Go To Jupiter to Get More Stupider

There's water on Mars and Sen. Ted Cruz believes it means something universal about life itself.

Ted Cruz: U.S. Calls ‘Dibs’ on Mars’ Water Supply, Will Charge Rest of Galaxy For Access

Scientists have found the first evidence of liquid water on Mars, and Senator Ted Cruz calls "finders/keepers."
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I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that I'd even be thinking about...
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