Kyle Rittenhouse

Rittenhouse Suing Anyone Who Says He’s a Murderer Just Because He Murdered Two People

https://youtu.be/eNUHeHFOz74 LAKE MATALOS, ILLINOIS -- In 2020, acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse murdered two people during a chaotic night of protests that turned violent in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Despite not being a full-time resident of the city, Rittenhouse, now an acquitted murderer,...

Pro-Life Republican Can’t Wait to Get His Picture Taken With Double Murderer

SHITDICK FLATS, ILLINOIS -- 42 year old non-union, out of work carpenter Marcus Palumbozo uses three terms to describe his views and opinions. "Pro-life, Pro-God, Anti-Commie. That's it. You could boil down my entire essence into those three things, no...

Rittenhouse Offered to Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue for Trump During Their Mar-A-Lago Meeting

MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDUH -- Former, one term, tiny-donged, daughter lusting, twice forever impeached President Don Trump revealed recently that he and acquitted double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse had a meeting at his Florida resort. Just days prior, Rittenhouse was acquitted on all charges...

Who’s Most Innocent: OJ Simpson, Bill Cosby, George Zimmerman, or Kyle Rittenhouse?

Now that his trial has been concluded, and he has been set free, double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse joins a pantheon of people who, according to tedious things like "facts and evidence," murdered one or more people, or perpetrated a slew...

Kyle Rittenhouse and George Zimmerman Will Headline “Bushmaster/Skittles White Hood Comedy Tour”

Recently acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse will join fellow acquitted murderer George Zimmerman on what's being billed as a "komedy kavalcade kriskrossing 88 cities throughout the Bible Belt," beginning sometime early in 2022. "The Bushmaster/Skittles White Hood Comedy Tour will be...

Judge Schroeder Invites Rittenhouse Over for Thanksgiving Dinner

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN -- This morning, Alternative Facts reported that Wendy Rittenhouse, mother of acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse, wasn't sure which table her son should sit at during Thanksgiving dinner, later this week. As AltFacts' story reports, Wendy is torn between putting Kyle at the...

Rittenhouse’s Mother Unsure Whether to Seat Him at Kids’ Table or Murderer’s Table

ORENTHAL, ILLINOIS -- For the first time in over a year, Wendy Rittenhouse will have her son back home for Thanksgiving later this week. However, she told Fox News this morning that Kyle's return is already "throwing a wrench"...

Wisconsin Legalizes Murder While White

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN -- Though it's not how laws are traditionally written in the state, a jury in Wisconsin has made the act of committing murder legal. As long as, that is, the accused killer is white. "What this verdict makes...

Rittenhouse Judge Asks Jury to End Deliberations So He and Kyle Can Attend Proud Boy Meeting

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN -- Judge Bruce Schroeder and accused vigilante double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse have a Proud Boy meeting to attend tonight, and so the jury needs to "wrap it up quick-like," Schroeder told them today. Jurors have been deliberating since yesterday...

Rittenhouse Judge Instructs Jurors to Plug Ears, Shout ‘La La La’ During Prosecution’s Closing

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN -- As prosecutors in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial present their closing arguments, jurors will not be permitted to listen to them. Judge Bruce Schroeder instructed the jurors that they are to put their fingers in their ears...
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Smithsonian Apologizes for Escaped Horse Faced Cave Troll’s Disruptions During State of the Union

Last night, one of the Smithsonian's displays came alive and escaped the confines of the museum. Reportedly, the horse...
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