Joe Biden

President Finds It Hard To Believe 80 Million Fuckin’ Assholes and Losers Voted For Biden and Not Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In the final analysis, President Donald J. Trump says he's "just not convinced" and "can't really understand" how he lost to Sleepy Toe-Teepy-Bo-Beepy-Mo-Meepy Joe Biden, and he's having an extremely difficult time getting over his sad...

Obama Warns Biden Against Tan Suits and Dijon Mustards

SECRET KENYAN SHARIA BUNKER -- Outgoing President Donald J. Trump may not want to admit it quite yet, but he lost his reelection bid two weeks ago. Thus far, only one of his campaign's lawsuits has been upheld, and...

Half of Republicans Think Trump Won Re-election and Santa Claus Will Deliver the Evidence Christmas Eve

A new poll published by Reuters today shows that half of Republicans -- roughly 25-30% of the electorate -- believes that Donald Trump won re-election two weeks ago. This, despite evidence and facts to the contrary. There are no...

Lying Fuck Reminds America The Constitution Says He’s Not Done Lying To Them Until January 21st, 2021

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Almost two weeks ago, an unctuous, fatuous, impetuous, deluded lying fuck ran for reelection to the highest, most powerful office in all of human history. He lost, rather decisively, as the ballots were fully counted, something...

Biden Supports Recounts So ‘Americans Can Watch Trump Lose As Many Times As He Wants’

WINURZ, DELAWARE -- This morning, President-Elect Joe Biden was spotted taking a stroll with his German Shepherd, Major, at a coffee shop just a town or two over from his Delaware home. Biden seemed cheerful, which would comport with...

This Big Ol’ Impeached Pile of Whiny Bitch Couldn’t Even Win the Popular Vote Once In Two Tries!

Let's play a little guessing game! Can you guess, from the hints we give you below, who this person is? HINT #1: He is the least-popularly elected president of all time! HINT #2: He has the most votes cast against him...

75 Million Americans Wipe and Flush

It took a few days. It took counting millions of mail-in ballots under the pressure of a sea of angry, ignorant masses demanding they stop doing their civic duty. But in the end, it appears as the states of...

74 Year Old Toddler Claims Victory Without Actually Winning

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last night, before the entire nation, a 74 year old toddler claimed victory. However, as facts bear out, he didn't actually win. "If you count the legal votes, I win," the elderly man-baby howled from the White...

Congratulations, America! King Trump Has Decided to Let You Vote Today!

Citizenry of America! Rejoice! For your goodly King God Emperor, Donald John Trump I, has decreed that today shall be Election Day! Therefore, you are invited and encouraged to take part in the festivities! What other time in your life...

Win or Lose, Trump is Entitled to Secret Service Protection and Lindsey Graham BJs For Life

The truth is, despite the punditry class and America's elected officials' high-volume assertions, nobody really knows what the outcome of the 2020 presidential election will be. In less than twenty-four hours, the sun will rise on the day that...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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