Jesus Christ

Jesus Warns His Trans Little Children to ‘Stay the Fuck Away’ From the Bible Belt KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry "God" Schumway, and Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., held an urgent press conference this morning. Christ urged any and all parents of transgender children living in the...

Jesus Christ Doesn’t ‘Have Any Fucks to Give’ About the Fox News Christmas Tree

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This week, Conservative America has been highly focused on what is being described in certain circles as the most egregious attacks in the left's long-running war on Christmas in quite some time, if not...

Jesus Gives Permission to MAGA to Worship Trump Instead

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., told reporters today that he and his father have decided to give members of the MAGA movement what he called "special consideration" and permission to...

The Actual Jesus Christ Wrote This Letter to Kayleigh McEnany and Asked Us to Publish It For Him

The following was received by this outlet late last night. After contacting the offices of Holy Trinity, Inc. and confirming its provenance, we have decided to publish this letter, from the Actual Jesus, in its entirety. Dear Kayleigh McEnany, Hi! It's...

Mike Pence Asks Heaven If Jesus Could Join Coronavirus Response Team

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice President of Trinity, Inc., held his weekly press conference before the Pearly Gates this morning and discussed a number of topics ranging from "who put the bop in...

Jesus Unsure Where Christian Conservatives’ Christianity Is

If you're a Christian Conservative, Jesus Christ wants to know how he'd be able to listen to you speak and know you're a Christian.

God Wonders How Joel Osteen Failed At Flood Response Because He’s a Christian

Televangelist Joel Osteen kept his megachurch shut to victims of Hurricane Harvey for a short time, and that made God pretty mad.

After Obamacare Repeal Fails, Ted Cruz Says He’ll Have to Return to Killing ‘Zodiac Style Instead’

Senator Ted Cruz tells a church congregation he's got to go back to doing things the old school way, after the GOP can't repeal Obamacare.

Asked About Trump’s “Religious Freedom” Order, Jesus Christ Does the Jack-Off Gesture

Don't ask Jesus Christ about the religious freedom order Donald Trump just signed. Not unless you want a sarcastic reply.
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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