James Schlarmann

Trump Officially Transitions Eric and Don Jr. to Joe Biden

As of the time of publication, this outlet can confirm that the Trump administration has begun the process of legally transitioning the president's least favorite and intelligent sons -- Donald Jr and Eric Trump -- to President-elect Joseph R....

Housekeeping Unsure How Long It Will Take to Fumigate Stench of Stupid from White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Perhaps its current occupant is still unwilling to face facts, but the simple truth is that on January 20th, 2021, a new couple will move into the White House. Reportedly, the cleaning staff at the president's...

Kellyanne Conway Chose…Poorly

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In hindsight, her friends and family say that White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway realizes she made quite a few mistakes in the last four or five years, and that her decision to work with the...

Palpatine Demands Death Star Recount, Claims Empire Won the Battle of Yavin

CORUSCANT -- Emperor Palpatine refuses to concede the Battle of Yavin the Rebel Alliance. Despite visual evidence that his highly-touted Death Star was blown to smithereens by a ragtag bunch of bush pilots exploiting a design flaw in the...

Lying Fuck Reminds America The Constitution Says He’s Not Done Lying To Them Until January 21st, 2021

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Almost two weeks ago, an unctuous, fatuous, impetuous, deluded lying fuck ran for reelection to the highest, most powerful office in all of human history. He lost, rather decisively, as the ballots were fully counted, something...

Biden Plans to Deploy Official Democrat Antifa Squads In the Event of Post-Election Civil Unrest

SCHLANGE LAKE, FLORIDA -- Just after concluding a campaign stop in Florida this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told reporters that if he wins the election next week, he'll ensure a "productive and peaceful transition of power" by...

Ivanka: “America Needs the Leadership of Small Hands and Even Smaller Genitals”

OLD BALLS, FLORIDA -- Addressing a rally for her father, held in a small city just a few miles south of Orlando, First Lady Ivanka Trump implored voters to "think about the kinds of hands behind the wheel" of...

Merriam-Webster Redefines the Word “Cunty”

The fact of the matter is that English, like all language, is an artform and communication tool constantly in a state of evolution. Slang becomes accepted, common vernacular every year. Dictionaries are constantly being updated to ensure that words...

Trump Demands Every Vote Cast For Him Is Counted ‘At Least Once’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With just over a week to go until Election Day, President Donald Trump is demanding that state election boards ensure votes cast for him are counted "as many times as they need to be" once polls...

Matt Gaetz Says ‘Trump’s Bootyhole Had the Dewy Essence of Victory’ After Final Debate With Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressman Matt Gaetz, a Republican from Florida, makes no bones about his support for President Donald Trump. His loyalty is complete, his devotion to his party's de facto leader is full, and his efforts in Congress...
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Mark Meadows Signals Intent to Plead the Filth Before January 6th Committee

Former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, through his attorney, has made the House Select Committee investigating the...
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