Emperor Palpatine

Palpatine Demands Death Star Recount, Claims Empire Won the Battle of Yavin

CORUSCANT -- Emperor Palpatine refuses to concede the Battle of Yavin the Rebel Alliance. Despite visual evidence that his highly-touted Death Star was blown to smithereens by a ragtag bunch of bush pilots exploiting a design flaw in the...

Palpatine Declares Himself Chancellor With Millions of Votes Left to Count From Outer Rim

CORUSCANT -- Naboo Senator Sheev Palpatine has declared himself the winner of the Republic's election, and says he is now the rightful Chancellor of the Senate. There's just one problem with that, though. There are still millions of votes...

Palpatine Defends Dismantling Republic Postal Service Less Than Three Months Before Galactic Election

CORUSCANT -- Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is defending this decision to largely dismantle the Republic Postal Service, just months away from what many consider to be the most important galactic election in more than a generation. Trump: “Harris and Biden Are...

Palpatine Blames ‘AntiSith Anarchists’ for Use of Death Star on Alderaan

CORUSCANT -- In an emergency address, Emperor Sheev Palpatine confirmed that the Death Star's primary weapon was used against the planet Alderaan, which until very recently resided in the galaxy's inner core, not far from the capital. While the...

Emperor Palpatine Tells Vader He Doesn’t Want Any Shithole Planets Joining The Empire

CORUSCANT, INNER CORE -- Sources close to the High Galactic Emperor Sheev Palpatine are reporting at the time of publication that he has directed his right-hand, Lord Darth Vader, to not allow any "shithole planets" into the Empire. "I have...

FBI Files Reveal JFK Link to Benghazi, Obama’s Birth Certificates, and Order 66 to Wipe Out the Jedi

"I had no idea that George Soros had Obama created out of nothing but midichlorians."

Putin Asks Trump To Oversee Final Construction Of Large Battle Station In First Hundred Days

Russian President Vladimir Putin has reprotedly reached out to President-Elect Donald Trump to personally oversee a construction project.
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I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that I'd even be thinking about...
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