Olympic Swimmer Not Kicked Off Team After Showing to Up Practice Drunk

LAKE HOOCH, FLORIDA -- 27-year-old Olympic swimmer Ryan McGee will not be kicked off the team, coaches have told reporters this morning. This, despite the fact that Mr. McGee reportedly showed up to a practice this week, according to...

Florida Drug Dealer Faces Financial Hardships

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA -- Ronald Crabtree, a low level Oxycontin street dealer, sits in a second hand LazyBoy recliner, shuffling through a Rolodex. "This one here.  I've got stories about him," Crabtree tells us. " Lets just say this guy...

Restaurant Brands International Announces New “Retail Euthanasia” Venture

TORONTO, SOCIALIST HELL HOLE OF CANADA -- As Burger King takes less and less share of the Burger market every year, Restaurant Brands International (RBI) -- BK's parent company -- has decided to get into a new line of...

Emergency Crews Working To Remove Jeff Sessions From Package of E.L. Fudge Cookies

When an accident occurred at the Keebler cookie company, Attorney Jeff Sessions needed some quick rescuing.

Man’s Life Problems Briefly Disappear When Playing Minecraft for 4 Hours and Eating Six Peanut Butter Cups

GOOSE COUNTY, IOWA -- Jack Borzini is a 40 year old man who says he has a lot of problems in his life. He has a bad back, a bad knee, hasn't had sexual contact with a woman in...

With Tom Marino Out, Trump Taps El Chapo for Drug Czar

"Let's stop acting surprised every time I do something stupid."

To Remind Scott Baio That Cancer Exists, God Renames It “Scott Baio”

God and Jesus aren't really big fans of Scott Baio after the actor made some rather insensitive comments about a former co-star's death.

DEA Agent in Colorado Explains Why the Drug War Has Totally Kept People off Pot

One DEA agent explains how successful he thinks the War on Drugs has been.

Wisconsin Democrats to Propose ‘Pass and Piss on The Piss-Ant’ Law

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker wants to drug test welfare recipients, despite overwhelming evidence it does nothing but waste money, are Dems in his state are fighting back?
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Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have never, and never will apply...
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