Democrats

Senator Coalfarts McFuckface Doesn’t Want Infrastructure Plan to Pay for Clean Air or Water

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Democrats on the Hill all seem to know the stakes. Time is running out before next year's mid-terms, and if the scores of breathless op-eds written on the subject are to be believed, they could lose control...

Basic White Woman Not Sure She Should Care If People of Color Can Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Kyrsten Sinema (D?-AZ) is the current chair of the Senate Basic White Woman Caucus. Comprised of women who are white, and extremely basic in their whiteness, the SBWWC's charter states it is "devoted to pretending...

Arizona Republicans File Bill Making it Illegal to Register as a Democrat

"It will definitely be a capital offense, no doubt about it."

Biden Plans to Deploy Official Democrat Antifa Squads In the Event of Post-Election Civil Unrest

SCHLANGE LAKE, FLORIDA -- Just after concluding a campaign stop in Florida this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told reporters that if he wins the election next week, he'll ensure a "productive and peaceful transition of power" by...

RNC to Feature Pro-Trump Democrats Who Started the KKK

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA -- In a surprise development, the Republican National Convention, being held in Charlotte this week, will feature speeches from several pro-Trump Democrats. Adding to the intrigue and spectacle of the event, the pro-Trump Democrats will be...

Ghosts of Elijah Cummings and John Lewis Mistake Jar of Mayonnaise for Marco Rubio

THE GREAT BEYOND -- There was a brief but quite ironically hilarious case of mistaken identity reported from the afterlife this morning. Reportedly, two late congressmen, both African Americans and strong champions of civil rights and equality mistook allegedly still-breathing...

Trump Threatens To Withhold Funding From Any State That Lets Democrats Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Elections in this country are run and officiated by state governments, not the federal government. That fact, however, may not be something that President Donald Trump considers important enough to believe in, at least based on...

Five Humans and Two Billionaires Hold Two Hour Shouting Match

SOUTH CAROLINA -- Last night, five human beings and two billionaires held a two-hour long shouting match. The seven entities on the stage each took turn not taking turns and yelling over each other. Sometimes the old men would...

Bloomberg Will Pay You $10,000 to Stop Thinking He’s Trying to Buy The Presidency

LOST WAGES, NEVADA -- At a campaign stop ahead of the Nevada primary, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg told diners at a restaurant frequented by the town's locals that he would give them -- and anyone else...

Devin Nunes Assures Trump He Won’t Stop Sucking Him Off Even Though Impeachment Trial Is Over

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources are reporting that late last night, Congressman Devin Nunes delivered via Bovine Express -- a service that courriers mail via cows -- a letter to President Donald J. Trump. While the full contents of the...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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