COVID-19

Pat Robertson Blames Coronavirus on 2015 Supreme Court Gay Marriage Decision

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- The United States Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality almost five years ago, and it's taken that long for God to "clear His backlog of mortal sins punishable by mass death," televangelist Pat...

Trump Says Signing Coronavirus Stimulus Makes Him ‘Pretty Much Really As Heroic As Doctors and Nurses’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When President Trump signed the massive $2 trillion coronavirus relief stimulus package into law, one source close to the president says he was "pretty hardcore miffed" that he didn't receive more accolades for doing so. Not...

Trump Tells Gaetz and Nunes to Put On Masks and Gloves Before Licking His Balls

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When Congressmen Matt Gaetz (R-Floriduh) and Devin Nunes (R-Stupid as Fuck) arrive at the White House this weekend for what the administration is deeming an "emergency ass kissing, dick sucking, and ball licking" of the president,...

Trump: Governors Who Give Him State’s Electoral College Votes Get ‘Anything They Need’ to Fight COVID-19

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump told America's governors on a conference call today that if they promise to award him their state's Electoral College votes this November, he will "make bigly sure" they receive all the federal assistance...

Jesus Christ: “Dude, What The Fuck’s Up With The MyPillow Guy?”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This week, Jesus Hubert Christ was overheard talking to his coworkers and colleagues in the heavenly break room while they all watched a coronavirus task force press conference from the White House lawn. When...

Trump: “Okay You Poor Little Shits, You Get Your Check. Now Go Die for Capitalism.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Microphones caught President Donald J. Trump in a hot mic situation this week, after he'd just concluded the Oval Office signing of the largest stimulus package in U.S. history. Having just signed the $2 trillion coronavirus...

Trump Brags That Obama ‘Could Never Have as Many COVIDs’ As He Has

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is still attempting to guide the country through a pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the "novel coronavirus," as it's also known. Though his administration was warned in intelligence briefings weeks ahead of time...

CDC Says Coronavirus Feeds Off Trump’s Ego

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control have announced what they think could be a breakthrough in the medical community's understanding of COVID-19, also known as the novel coronavirus. The CDC said that this new breakthrough...

Country That Can’t Afford Universal Health Care Magically Finds $2 Trillion in Cash Lying Around

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a stunning and unforeseen turn of events, the United States federal government has seemingly found about $2 trillion laying around somewhere and will use a portion of it to send to American families in an...

New Treasury Dept Report Estimates How Many Points Dow Goes Up For Every Grandparent’s Death

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This week Dan Patrick, the Lt. Governor of Texas, told Fox News White Supremacist Tucker Carlson that seniors in America might have to be willing to sacrifice their lives in order for their children and grandchildren...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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