WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Medically speaking, Senator Rand Paul (R-Ayn Rand's Overrated, Overwrought Bootyhole) is a "flaming douchebag with absolutely shitty hair." At least that's true according to one of America's leading and most influential medical experts, Dr. Anthony Fauci.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, Americans witnessed a sight they'd never seen in the 244 year history of the nation when a 73 year old, six-foot tall baby threw a huge tantrum and stormed out of a press conference in...
VAPID ATTENTION WHORE, CALIFORNIA -- Fox News contributing racist Tabitha Lahren said during a segment on Fox & Morons this morning that she still "very much agrees" with the idea that "all lives matter" and that African Americans are "whiny...
NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The entire country, indeed the entire world's population, is desperate for a COVID-19 vaccine. As the planet grapples with a pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, researchers are fighting to discover and invent treatments...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald J. Trump has vowed on multiple occasions to lead the United States in its effort to defeat COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. Despite having months of advance warning, Trump largely downplayed fears and concerns...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- High Priest Vice President Mike Pence held a hastily thrown together press conference earlier this morning. The sole purpose behind it was to, according to Reverend Pence, "explain to the American people and the good folks...
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice President of Trinity, Inc., held his weekly press conference before the Pearly Gates this morning and discussed a number of topics ranging from "who put the bop in...
As of the time of publication, the United States of America has officially reported 55,564 deaths from the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. According to the national archives, the coronavirus death toll now exceeds that of...
This week, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) seemed to put the kibosh on any more coronavirus stimulus packages. On the same day that updated unemployment figures showed more than 20 million people have lost their jobs as a...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For several days, and even a few weeks, President Donald Trump urged Americans and medical professionals to consider using the drug hydroxychloroquine to fight COVID-19. This presidential medical advice came despite the fact that Trump is not...
