COVID-19

Fauci Confirms Rand Paul is a ‘Flaming Douchebag With Absolutely Shitty Hair,’ Medically Speaking

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Medically speaking, Senator Rand Paul (R-Ayn Rand's Overrated, Overwrought Bootyhole) is a "flaming douchebag with absolutely shitty hair." At least that's true according to one of America's leading and most influential medical experts, Dr. Anthony Fauci. MORE:...

Whiny Bitch Throws Toys Out of Crib, Storms Out of Presser

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, Americans witnessed a sight they'd never seen in the 244 year history of the nation when a 73 year old, six-foot tall baby threw a huge tantrum and stormed out of a press conference in...

Lahren: “All Lives Matter Except When You Need to Die for The Economy”

VAPID ATTENTION WHORE, CALIFORNIA -- Fox News contributing racist Tabitha Lahren said during a segment on Fox & Morons this morning that she still "very much agrees" with the idea that "all lives matter" and that African Americans are "whiny...

Trump University Med School Invents Breakthrough COVID-19 Vaccine Made From “Serpentine Grease”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The entire country, indeed the entire world's population, is desperate for a COVID-19 vaccine. As the planet grapples with a pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, researchers are fighting to discover and invent treatments...

Trump Promises to Defeat the Coronavirus With the Electoral College

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald J. Trump has vowed on multiple occasions to lead the United States in its effort to defeat COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. Despite having months of advance warning, Trump largely downplayed fears and concerns...

Vice President Pence: “I’m Just Used To Leaving the House With The President’s Rectum Covering My Face”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- High Priest Vice President Mike Pence held a hastily thrown together press conference earlier this morning. The sole purpose behind it was to, according to Reverend Pence, "explain to the American people and the good folks...

Mike Pence Asks Heaven If Jesus Could Join Coronavirus Response Team

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice President of Trinity, Inc., held his weekly press conference before the Pearly Gates this morning and discussed a number of topics ranging from "who put the bop in...

55,000 Dead Americans Agree: It’s Important to Recognize How Mean The Press Is To Trump

As of the time of publication, the United States of America has officially reported 55,564 deaths from the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. According to the national archives, the coronavirus death toll now exceeds that of...

NY and CA Offer to Buy Kentucky So They Can Stop Bailing It Out The Rest of the Time

This week, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) seemed to put the kibosh on any more coronavirus stimulus packages. On the same day that updated unemployment figures showed more than 20 million people have lost their jobs as a...

Trump Suggests Using Windmill Cancer Treatments to Fight Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For several days, and even a few weeks, President Donald Trump urged Americans and medical professionals to consider using the drug hydroxychloroquine to fight COVID-19. This presidential medical advice came despite the fact that Trump is not...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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