coronavirus

Poll: 70% of Americans Believe Trump Should Self-Quarantine in Hole Six Feet Underground

The results of a new poll, released just today, indicate that seven out of ten Americans believe that President Donald Trump should self-quarantine during the coronavirus outbreak, and that he should consider doing it from within a hole, six...

Trump Asks Joint Chiefs If U.S. Can ‘Nuke Coronavirus Like a Hurricane’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Projecting an air of confidence and competence has been a mainstay of President Donald Trump's tenure. Mr. Trump has often boasted to the media and particularly his strong, if not small base of loyal supporters, that...

Trump Boasts More People Will Die from His ‘Biggest and Best’ Pandemic Than Any Other President’s Pandemic

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For a couple of weeks now, President Donald Trump and his administration have done everything in their power to look both responsive to the threat of a novel coronavirus outbreak in the United States, and also...

Trump Now Requires Everyone to Get Coronavirus Test Before Kissing His Ass

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump has instituted a new White House visitation policy that will require any and all Congressional Republicans who show up for a regularly scheduled ass kissing to first submit to a coronavirus test. Then,...

Trump Accuses Obama/Biden of Creating Coronavirus as ‘Part of a Flu Coup’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- While the country continues to brace itself and prepare for a possible pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, President Donald Trump attacked the previous presidential administration, calling it "the most corrupt Administration" in American history. At...

Coronavirus Qurantines Itself From Ted Cruz

TEXAS -- A spokesperson for the novel coronavirus issued a statement this morning announcing that her client had decided to self-quarantine from Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), in order to protect itself from being "infected with bizarre Christofascism" and hopefully...

Poll: Most Americans Would Rather Have 4 More Years of Coronavirus Than Trump

As the country sits on the edge of its seat and holds its collective breath wondering if a pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus will take hold, a new poll's results show that, perhaps surprisingly, more Americans are worried...

President Says Americans Should Trust His Coronavirus Leadership Because of His Medical Degree from Trump University

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump held his diploma from Trump University in one hand and showed it to the reporters gathered outside the White House this morning. Mr. Trump was headed to Yum Yum Doughnuts, he said, for...

Trump Demands Toyota Immediately Produce Vaccine for “Corollavirus”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald J. Trump has issued and official presidential demand to the executive board and shareholders of Japanese automotive company Toyota, ordering them to "immediately and without any delay" produce a vaccine for the "Corollavirus." The...

Mike Pence Orders CDC to Quadruple Thought and Prayer Capacity to Combat Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As his first official act in the capacity of overseeing the country's response to a potential coronavirus update, Vice President High Priest Mike Pence has issued an order to the Centers for Disease Control for a...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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