coronavirus

Doctors Treating Rand Paul’s Coronavirus With Bootstraps, Thoughts, and Prayers

BOWLING GREEN, CUNTUCKY -- This weekend, Senator Rand Paul (R-Kremlin) became the first sitting U.S. Senator to have a confirmed coronavirus infection. Senator Paul's office announced via Twitter that he had tested positive and was undergoing a self-quarantine process...

Eric Trump Asks His Dad If They Can Start a Charity For COVID-19 Patients

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- During his weekly "catch up" call with his father, Eric Trump suggested that they should perhaps start a charity for COVID-19 patients. "Daddy! Diddums! I had an idea, and I know you've told me my...

CDC Suggests ‘Electoral Distancing’ From Trump Administration

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Over the past week and a half, Americans were introduced to new, but extremely vital phrase for their lexicons -- "social distancing." It's the practice of keeping a good, healthy distance from others. Medical experts have recommended...

Trump Says His Response to Coronavirus Would Have Been Less Incompetent if the Press ‘Wasn’t So Mean’ To Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a recent White House press briefing on his administration's response to the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak, President Donald Trump took time to complain about how the press has covered his efforts thus far. Conservative commentator S.E....

Officials Fear Major Canadian Comedian Import Deficit If Northern Border Remains Closed

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- If the border between the United States and Canada remains closed for too long, officials fear there could be a major deficit in the importation of comedians from the north. This deficit could absolutely cripple the...

Big Time Wall Street Asshole Really Lovin’ That Socialism (and Cocaine) Now, Mothafuckas!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- "You know what," Will Palumbozo asked our reporter over coffee that costs more than $14 after gratuity a couple of days ago, "do you have any idea how much I am fuckin' lovin' that...

Devin Nunes Accuses Hillary Clinton of Emailing Coronavirus to World and Then Deleting It

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressman Devin Nunes stepped out from underneath the testicular region of President Donald Trump's taint to accuse former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton of unleashing the novel coronavirus on the world, using her now infamous personal...

Trump Says President of Puerto Rico Was Wrong to Call Coronavirus a ‘Hoax’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, a somber President Donald Trump implored the American people to take a fifteen day timeout from their normal routine, and hunker down at home. As part of his administration's answer to the global pandemic outbreak...

Trump Campaign Suspends Future Klan Rallies Out of Coronavirus Concerns

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump's re-election campaign has announced it is suspending all of its future klan rallies out of an abundance of concern about the spread of the novel coronavirus. The decision to put a pause on...

Trump Tests Negative for Coronavirus, But Positive for Dumbfuck Flu

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though he delayed being tested for over a week after being exposed at this week's CPAC conference, President Donald Trump announced this weekend that he had been tested for coronavirus infection. The test, the White House...
- Advertisement -spot_img

Latest News

Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
- Advertisement -spot_img