coronavirus

Vice President Pence: “I’m Just Used To Leaving the House With The President’s Rectum Covering My Face”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- High Priest Vice President Mike Pence held a hastily thrown together press conference earlier this morning. The sole purpose behind it was to, according to Reverend Pence, "explain to the American people and the good folks...

Mike Pence Asks Heaven If Jesus Could Join Coronavirus Response Team

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice President of Trinity, Inc., held his weekly press conference before the Pearly Gates this morning and discussed a number of topics ranging from "who put the bop in...

55,000 Dead Americans Agree: It’s Important to Recognize How Mean The Press Is To Trump

As of the time of publication, the United States of America has officially reported 55,564 deaths from the pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. According to the national archives, the coronavirus death toll now exceeds that of...

NY and CA Offer to Buy Kentucky So They Can Stop Bailing It Out The Rest of the Time

This week, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) seemed to put the kibosh on any more coronavirus stimulus packages. On the same day that updated unemployment figures showed more than 20 million people have lost their jobs as a...

Trump Suggests Using Windmill Cancer Treatments to Fight Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For several days, and even a few weeks, President Donald Trump urged Americans and medical professionals to consider using the drug hydroxychloroquine to fight COVID-19. This presidential medical advice came despite the fact that Trump is not...

DNC Announces New Strategy: Encouraging Trump Supporters to Protest Coronavirus Lockdowns

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Democratic National Committee announced today that it has formulated a new electoral strategy they hope will not only further expand their majority in the House of Representatives and bring them closer to a majority in...

Devin Nunes: ‘Only 10,000 Benghazis’ Not Worth Shutting Down Economy Over COVID-19

DIPSHIT, CALIFORNIA -- On September 11th, 2012, a terrorist attack was carried out on a U.S. consular building in Benghazi, Libya. During the attack, four Americans lost their lives, and the attack has become a major talking point and...

Historians Unearth Draft of Famous Patrick Henry ‘Give Me Retail Shopping and Give Me Death’ Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Researchers at the National Academy of History and Past Events announced this morning that they've made a rather interesting and unforeseen discovery in their basement filing cabinets. The NAHPE is tasked with curating and cataloging a...

Treasury Orders Trump’s Mushroom Stamp on Coronavirus Stimulus Checks

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Treasury Department issued an order late last night that some say could have an impact on when some Americans receive their coronavirus stimulus aid. In a brief signing statement, Treasure Secretary and B-team Bond...

Trump Assures Governors He Stands Ready to Take Credit for Their Hard Work Battling Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On a call with the nation's fifty governors, President Trump assured each state's chief executive that he is "standing by" and "bigly ready" to take credit for all their hard work while battling the COVID-19 pandemic...
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Tennessee Man Cleans Up Quickly After Spanking It to Avoid Charges of Attempted Murder

It's not that he would lie around, languishing in the self-extracted afterglow. But now that it seems like the...
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