Comedy

January 6th Committee Interested in How Many Pizzas Trump Ordered on Burner Phone

The January 6th Committee announced last night that it is extremely interested in reports that the Trump family and select members of the former presidential administration used "burner" phones on the day of their failed insurrection, back in 2021....

Judge Jackson Regrets Not Pre-Insulting Heidi Cruz’s Looks

Now that her confirmation hearings have come to a close, sources say that Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson is feeling pretty good about her chances of ascending to the Supreme Court. Ms. Jackson was nominated by President Joe Biden to...

Manchin: “If Rubbing Coal on My Balls Isn’t Doing Enough for Climate Change, That’s On You”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After a defeat for his party in Virginia, and with another potential loss still in the offing over in New Jersey, alleged Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin is still not committed to passing more of President Joe...

Oklahoma Man Extradited to Texas After Being Caught Spanking It in Dallas

GILEAD COUNTY, TEXAS -- Officials with the Texas State Sex Fluid and Biomatter Protection Agency are reporting this morning that they have 35-year-old Fred Franklin in custody. Franklin had been wanted in connection to an alleged attempted genocide of millions...

Pence Says He’s Forgiven Trump for Jan 6th Because ‘Jesus Said to Spread the Other Cheek’

MOSES HILLS, INDIANA -- Speaking before a packed, maskless congregation at a prayer breakfast hosted by a church in his home state, former Vice President Mike Pence hinted that he may run for president himself in 2024. However, what...

Poll Shows Majority Approves of Aborting Texas

A few weeks back, Texas legislators passed a new six-week restriction on abortion procedures in the state. The law effectively deputizes citizens of Texas to tattle on each other, and receive up to $10,000 for essentially suing someone who...

New Policy Lets DeSantis Punch Kids in the Mouth for Wearing a Mask

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- A new policy instituted by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) allows him to punch "any and all students" he encounters who are wearing a mask. "Nothing is worse for society than parents who allow their kids to protect...

Cruz Reminds Constituents That The ‘Back Door Means No Babies and No Abortions’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The American right-wing, particularly those in Evangelical circles, have been pushing make abortion illegal for decades. Ever since the Supreme Court ruled in the early 1970's that before a fetus' medical viability a woman had a...

Highly Anticipated Durham Report Concludes Joe Biden is Still Donald Trump’s President

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For more than a year, pro-MAGA Americans have been on pins and needles awaiting its arrival. Now, finally, Inspector General John Durham's report on the origins of the government's investigation of potential collusion between foreign operatives...

Scientist Thinks She Can Prove Madison Cawthorn’s Body is Hosting Timothy McVeigh’s Spirit

POOPSCOOP, VIRGINIA -- Dr. Henrietta Kittenz wrote on her popular blog, devoted to biology and science, that she has undertaken a study she thinks could "shed some really interesting light" on one particular member of Congress. "What my study seems...
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Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How didĀ thisĀ end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have never, and never will apply...
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