comedian

Republican: Free College Plans Set America on a ‘Dangerous Path’ to Intelligent People

THIRD PINE, OHIO -- Senators Bernie Sanders and Liz Warren both have made the idea of some free college for U.S. citizens major components of their respective pitches for the Democratic Party's presidential nomination. It's a radical and reformative idea...

Trump Brags That Obama ‘Could Never Have as Many COVIDs’ As He Has

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is still attempting to guide the country through a pandemic outbreak of COVID-19, or the "novel coronavirus," as it's also known. Though his administration was warned in intelligence briefings weeks ahead of time...

Country That Can’t Afford Universal Health Care Magically Finds $2 Trillion in Cash Lying Around

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a stunning and unforeseen turn of events, the United States federal government has seemingly found about $2 trillion laying around somewhere and will use a portion of it to send to American families in an...

New Treasury Dept Report Estimates How Many Points Dow Goes Up For Every Grandparent’s Death

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This week Dan Patrick, the Lt. Governor of Texas, told Fox News White Supremacist Tucker Carlson that seniors in America might have to be willing to sacrifice their lives in order for their children and grandchildren...

President Assures Public Fighting Coronavirus Won’t Keep Him From Trying to Suck His Own Dick

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When President Donald Trump took to the podium in the White House briefing room for an event that has become a regular occurrence during the pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, sources say he had calming...

Doctors Treating Rand Paul’s Coronavirus With Bootstraps, Thoughts, and Prayers

BOWLING GREEN, CUNTUCKY -- This weekend, Senator Rand Paul (R-Kremlin) became the first sitting U.S. Senator to have a confirmed coronavirus infection. Senator Paul's office announced via Twitter that he had tested positive and was undergoing a self-quarantine process...

Trump Says His Response to Coronavirus Would Have Been Less Incompetent if the Press ‘Wasn’t So Mean’ To Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a recent White House press briefing on his administration's response to the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak, President Donald Trump took time to complain about how the press has covered his efforts thus far. Conservative commentator S.E....

Officials Fear Major Canadian Comedian Import Deficit If Northern Border Remains Closed

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- If the border between the United States and Canada remains closed for too long, officials fear there could be a major deficit in the importation of comedians from the north. This deficit could absolutely cripple the...

Trump Campaign Suspends Future Klan Rallies Out of Coronavirus Concerns

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump's re-election campaign has announced it is suspending all of its future klan rallies out of an abundance of concern about the spread of the novel coronavirus. The decision to put a pause on...

Trump Tests Negative for Coronavirus, But Positive for Dumbfuck Flu

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though he delayed being tested for over a week after being exposed at this week's CPAC conference, President Donald Trump announced this weekend that he had been tested for coronavirus infection. The test, the White House...
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DeSantis Offers $5,000 to Any Cop With COVID That Makes Out With Him

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- The Governor of Florida is bound and determined to get police officers unvaccinated against COVID-19 to...
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