Centers for Disease Control

Conservatives Want Fauci Arrested for Changing His Views on Masks After Seeing New Data

This week, Buzzfeed and CNN published a trove of Dr. Anthony Fauci's emails thanks to Freedom of Information Act requests, and while many Americans may not bat an eyelash at what they contain, many who consider themselves politically right-wing...

CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Politicians Can Safely Rim Wannabe Autocrats Again

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Many Americans are wondering when life can return to some version of normal after they're fully vaccinated against COVID-19. Despite what it might seem like, politicians are largely human in nature, and they too have been...

She Just Got Her GED, But She Knows Fauci Doesn’t Know What He’s Talking About

"I wear this 45 hat everywhere I go for two reasons -- loyalty to Trump and to remind people that your IQ doesn't define how intelligent you am." - Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO)

CDC Warns Libertarians: There Is No Nerd Immunity from COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control has issued an urgent warning to all Americans in the Libertarian Party. According to top CDC researchers, Americans should not assume that they will be protected from COVID-19, the novel coronavirus,...

CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone to resist the urge to use their own tongues like cats to clean surfaces in their homes, while they're on lockdown during the global COVID-19...

CDC Suggests ‘Electoral Distancing’ From Trump Administration

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Over the past week and a half, Americans were introduced to new, but extremely vital phrase for their lexicons -- "social distancing." It's the practice of keeping a good, healthy distance from others. Medical experts have recommended...

CDC Reminder: Also Sanitize Your Butt Plugs When There’s No Pandemic

ATLANTA, GEORGIA --Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement to Americans, urging them to sanitize their butt plugs to help reduce the risk of coronavirus infection, however the CDC also reiterated their advice that...

CDC Wants Trump Supporters to Stop Sharing Hoods

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In what has been one of the busiest and most critical times in its existence, the Centers for Disease Control has spent most of its energies in the last couple of weeks trying to help Americans...

CDC Suggests Couples Start Using “Just the Tip”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In order to help minimize the spread of the novel coronavirus, the Centers for Disease Control is "highly recommending" that couples start altering their sexual activity and use "just the tip" until the pandemic outbreak currently...

CDC Recommends Washing Hands For At Least As Long As It Takes For You To Masturbate

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Centers for Disease Control have issued a fresh new set of guidelines aimed at helping to stem the tide of the global coronavirus pandemic. The new guidelines suggest that Americans consider washing their hands for...
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Biden Tells MTG He’ll Shoot Down Chinese Balloon When She Finds China or Montana on a Map

President Joe Biden was asked today about whether or not he's heard the calls from House Republicans to direct...
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