CDC

CDC Says It’s Now Safe to Remove Your Mask In Order Tell Ted Cruz to Fuck Himself

https://youtu.be/11jCNmjSShA ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control has issued the following update to their masking guidance. In the interest of public safety, The Political Garbage Chute has elected to re-print the CDC's memo in full, verbatim, below. Since the beginning of...

CDC: There Is No Vapid Moron Vaccine and Avoid Contact With Tomi Lahren Until There Is

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- The Centers for Disease Control is urging every American to avoid contact with what they're calling a "particularly pernicious virus" that they say has the ability to cause severe brain damage if exposed to it for...

CDC: Maybe Your Ten Year Old Needs to Get COVID and Stop Being a Pussy

When and how to safely re-open schools that have been closed or had their student populations greatly reduced during the COVID-19 pandemic has always been a hotly debated topic. Throughout the past year and a half, millions of Americans...

Conservatives Want Fauci Arrested for Changing His Views on Masks After Seeing New Data

This week, Buzzfeed and CNN published a trove of Dr. Anthony Fauci's emails thanks to Freedom of Information Act requests, and while many Americans may not bat an eyelash at what they contain, many who consider themselves politically right-wing...

Fauci Suggests a Lobotomy Might Cure Rand Paul’s ‘Bullshit-itis’

"And let me be crystal clear -- I only say 'might' because we have to first confirm he has anything to lobotomize." WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY) clearly has it out for Dr. Anthony Fauci. Some speculate that Sen....

CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Politicians Can Safely Rim Wannabe Autocrats Again

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Many Americans are wondering when life can return to some version of normal after they're fully vaccinated against COVID-19. Despite what it might seem like, politicians are largely human in nature, and they too have been...

She Just Got Her GED, But She Knows Fauci Doesn’t Know What He’s Talking About

"I wear this 45 hat everywhere I go for two reasons -- loyalty to Trump and to remind people that your IQ doesn't define how intelligent you am." - Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO)

Fauci Warns Rand Paul With or Without a Mask, People Can Still Tell He’s a ‘Twat-Waffle’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- One thing has become increasingly clear over the last year -- Senator Rand Paul (Q-KY) has some deeply-held animosity toward Dr. Anthony Fauci. In more than one hearing in the Senate, Senator Paul, who is an ophthalmologist...

Vaccinated Bureaucrat Making Six Figure Income Has Thoughts on Your Kids Rushing Back to School

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R-MT) is "sick and tired" of America's schools largely being closed to in-person learning. During a press conference today, Rep. Thompaulsen, who received both doses of the covid-19 vaccine as soon as it...

Man Growing Tired of Covid-19 Restrictions He Doesn’t Really Follow Anyway

LAKE IGNORANCE, MICHIGAN-- Gerald Ricci is sick to death of his town's local COVID-19 restrictions, and he's starting to tell everyone around him that even though he doesn't really follow them, he's starting to feel like he's "literally a...
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Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have never, and never will apply...
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