Attorney General

Emperor Palpatine Defends Attorney General Vader’s Use of Stormtroopers in Portland

CORUSCANT -- As protests mount throughout the galaxy, Emperor Sheev Palpatine has maintained a public tone of righteousness and self-assurance. The protests have begun to spring up on one planet in particular, Earth, in response to Palpatine's Attorney General...

Jeff Sessions Promises Alabama He’s Still Racist and Mostly Enjoys The Taste of Trump’s Dick

BEDFORD FORREST, ALABAMA -- Former Attorney General and Confederate monument model Jeff Sessions held one of Alabama's two seats in the U.S. Senate for ten years. Prior to that, Mr. Sessions had been Alabama's Attorney General for a couple...

Researchers Name New Aggressive Form of Rectal Cancer After William Barr

LAKE CRISE CONSTITUTIONNELLE, MICHIGAN -- A new, fast moving and particularly aggressive form of rectal cancer has been discovered by researchers at Northwest Eastern University in Michigan. The strain has been officially named in "honor" of U.S. Attorney General...

Researchers Identify New Strain of Aggressive Rectal Cancer and Name It “William Barr”

LAKE CRISE CONSTITUTIONNELLE, MICHIGAN -- A new, fast moving and particularly aggressive form of rectal cancer has been discovered by researchers at Northwest Eastern University in Michigan and named it after the current U.S. Attorney General, William Barr. "All forms...

Barr Writes Four Page Summary of Book of Genesis Exonerating God for Great Flood

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attorney General William Barr held a press conference at the Department of Justice this morning and presented to the American people a newly written four-page summary. Last week, Barr made waves around the world when he...

Trump: ‘I Didn’t Obstruct Justice, I Just Tried to Impede an Investigation!’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, President Donald Trump lashed out the media, Democrats, and Special Counsel Robert Mueller and he explained that he knows "deep, deep down" that he didn't commit obstruction of justice. "There is no friggin' way I committed...

Jeff Sessions Can Finally Unwind, Smoke a Doob, and Forget About Persecuting Brown People Awhile

GREEN FIELD SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA -- Just after former Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced his resignation, he boarded a privately chartered plane, and took off for California. Sessions knew exactly where he wanted to go, and what he wanted to...

Jeff Sessions Admits He’s a Member Of the Keebler Klux Klan

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The nation's capital is abuzz with rampant rumor and speculation after an explosive new email leaked from somewhere within the Department of Justice. The email's release forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to scramble and hastily hold...

Jeff Sessions Can’t Recall Why Anyone Ever Thought He’s Competent at Anything

Attorney General Jeff Sessions might have a few issues with his memory. And he can't figure out why anyone every thought he was good at anything he did.

Petition Started to Remove Confederate Monument from Attorney General’s Office

A new petition is circulating online to have a racist monument to the Confederacy removed from the office the Attorney General of the United States.
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Biden Tells MTG He’ll Shoot Down Chinese Balloon When She Finds China or Montana on a Map

President Joe Biden was asked today about whether or not he's heard the calls from House Republicans to direct...
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