ABC

Smoky-Eyed Lying Fuckstick Defends Former Lying Fuckstick Boss in Two ABC Interviews

FUGLY HEIGHTS, ARKANSAS -- In under 70 days, the general public will have their first chance to choose who will lead the country in four years, and both major parties' candidates have campaigns full of surrogates hoping to convince...

Kelly Sadler and Roseanne Barr Launch “Klassic Konfederate Komedy Tour”

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA -- Today, comedians Kelly Sadler and Roseanne Barr held a press conference in the Confederate Nation's capital, announcing they'd be taking their two-woman comedy show to a red state near you this Fall. They're calling it the "Klassic...

ABC Replacing “Roseanne” With TV Show Starring Overstuffed Bag Of Farts And Racist Jokes From The 1930’s In A MAGA Hat

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- ABC Entertainment executives were surely thrown for a loop when they were tasked with putting out a public relations fire of enormous proportions set by one of its biggest stars, and have already announced what they...

“Roseanne” Cancellation Has Trump Worried Racist Tweets ‘Can Cost You Your Job Now’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A nervous and paranoid Donald Trump picked up the phone in the Oval Office and demanded that Chief of Staff John Kelly and Press Secretary Sarah Sanders come see him immediately, worried over the news he'd...

White House Doctors Trying To Remove Comey’s Shoe From President’s Rectum

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Authorities at this hour are confirming that White House doctors are scrambling to perform a vital surgery on President Donald J. Trump. "At approximately 3 AM this morning, we arrived on the scene at the White House...

Trump Rushed to Hospital to Remove Myeshia Johnson’s Foot from His Rectum

No amount of tweeting would get Ms. Johnson's foot out of his presidential posterior.

Rubio Robot Engineers Program ‘Horrible Thoughts on Rape’ Into His Cerebral Matrix

Marco Rubio's rhetorical programming gets a fundie-approved update.

Scott Walker Explains Support for Banning Same-Sex Marriage: ‘I’m a Dick’

Scott Walker believes in nullification for the sake of oppressing all those uppity gays. His reasoning may surprise you.
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Latest News

Smithsonian Apologizes for Escaped Horse Faced Cave Troll’s Disruptions During State of the Union

Last night, one of the Smithsonian's displays came alive and escaped the confines of the museum. Reportedly, the horse...
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