ALEPPO, SYRIA — A Syrian fetus has petitioned the U.S. government to be transplanted from his own mother’s uterus to a willing American recipient in order to elicit feelings of sympathy strong enough in Republicans to force them to act in its best interests to stay alive.
“While some American Republicans might feel like retaliatory airstrikes on airfields that are largely deserted because your president alerted Russia who alerted Syrian forces are enough to deter Bashar al-Assad,” the letter from the fetus states, “let me assure you that more bombs, perhaps even ones with chemical payloads, will be dropped on us.”
The fetus has chosen to remain anonymous at this time. Citing privacy concerns, the fetus has indicated that as its birth date approaches, it will reveal its identity. Until then, it’ll be known on court documents as “Syrian Refugee Fetus Doe.” The written brief states that Doe is asking permission to be moved from his mother’s womb to a “willing American one,” and he’s “thinking once that happens, Republicans will be foaming at the mouth to protect” him.
“Hey,” Fetus Doe writes in its legal brief, “I figured, why not try to put myself in a more advantageous position? One that would perhaps garner me sympathy from Republicans because they won’t be so distracted by mother’s religious beliefs.”
The Syrian fetus wrote in its filings that it was inspired to make this request after seeing how angrily anti-abortion protesters picketed Planned Parenthood. The brief states that “the irony of people who want to end abortions” shutting down Planned Parenthood, which prevents millions of abortions each year through free and low-cost contraception and sex education, is “the kind of religious ferver” it needs to stay protected the entire time it is in its mother’s womb, though the fetus admits that eventually its plan will hit some “major snags.”
“It’s a little unnerving,” writes Doe in the brief, “to be trapped like a rat in cage, bombed on all sides. You’d think that Americans would want to help out by taking in some of the refugees they’re helping to create, but well, here we are, aren’t we?”
Fetus Doe thinks American religious conservatives’ shelf life of empathy is not very long, but it has plans to help prove to them they won’t become a drain on the system, right from the moment they’re born.
“As much as the Religious Right will fight for me to stay alive when I’m in the American womb,” the briefs state, “as soon as I’m born, I know I’ll be on my own. I certainly don’t want them to think of me as a taker, so I pledge to hit the ground running, and within six weeks of my birth I will hold down at least one minimum wage job to support my infant-self.”
Reached for comment, Senator Ted Cruz (R-CA), who is one of the staunchest pro-lifers in the Senate, told us that he didn’t care “one lick” what happens to a Syrian refugee fetus.
“But,” Cruz said, “once that fetus is in an American uterus, you better believe we will do everything to keep it alive. Until it’s born. Then, honestly, fuck it. But that’s not me being xenophobic or anti-immigrant or anti-refugee. I say that about fetus once it’s born and becomes a baby.”
This is a developing story.
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