White House Issues Details On ‘Person Of Interest’ In Swedish Terror Attack

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Bannon/Trump Administration has released details on what they are calling a “person of interest” in the recent, tragic terror attack in Sweden. Though details of the attack are extremely scant at this hour, the FBI and CIA are currently looking for a person that think may have vital information in helping them track down not only the perpetrators of the attack, but such details as where and when it actually happened.

“Right now, all we know is Sweden,” Chief of Staff Reince Priebus told reporters, “is where the attack took place. But we don’t know if it was in Sweden City, Swedenfield, or Sweden Town. So obviously we’re on a hunt for details on top of details, and this guy we’re looking for right now may be the lynch pin to the entire investigation.”

Priebus said the sooner that authorities can get a hold of this person of interest, the sooner some answers may be gleaned. The man is described as being of average height with a large frame. His eye color is unknown, as his large, bushy eyebrows cover them up completely. He wears a head dress consistent with the people in his line of work from country. He speaks very little English, Priebus said, but they do have some intercepted recordings between the man and someone in the United States identified as only as “The Frog.”

Mr. Priebus shared a print out of one of the conversations between the person of interest and The Frog. Below is a transcript of that conversation.

PERSON OF INTEREST: Hurny, shmurny der flurr smurhn!

THE FROG: It’s, uh, certainly good to hear from you too. Been a long time.

POI: Cana you-en getteen dee message to-a yourn preeseedent, the giant orange twat waffle-en?

THE FROG: Oh, gee, I don’t know, I don’t really hang around that guy. Even as a Muppet there are some humans too vile for us to make cameos with, you know?

POI: Itsen lifen anden deathen, froggen!

THE FROG: Oh, geez, okay, I get it. Sure. Let me just grab a pencil and I’ll take the message for you.

POI: Theren no been anan attackken inen my country.

THE FROG: The signal’s really bad, can you say it again?


THE FROG: Sorry, again, I just can’t hear you.


THE FROG: Gosh, I’m really sorry pal, I just can’t hear you well enough. Can you try calling back?

POI: Hurdy, bagurdy, badurk BORK BORK BORK!

End transmission

This is a developing story. If you or anyone you know has any information leading to this person of interest, the FBI and CIA want you to call their special hotline, 1-800-ICU-AHOL.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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