NEW YORK, NEW YORK — For the second consecutive day, Trump Tower had to be evacuated because of a suspicious, anonymous bag that was left in the lobby of the New York skyscraper. President-Elect Donald J. Trump lives in Trump Tower, and was reportedly rushed out of the building by way of the helicopter pad on the top of the building. Authorities are still investigating the incident, but at this time it is only known that the bag in question was “full to the brim with tiny, orange dicks.”
“At approximately 10:15 am this morning,” NYPD Detective Alberto Naranjo told reporters at a press conference outside Trump Tower, “a suspicious bag was found in the lobby of Trump Tower. After evacuating everyone from the building and getting President-Elect Trump on a helicopter to safety, the bag was carefully removed and it was discovered to be full to the brim with tiny, orange dicks.”
The penises were edible gummy penises, Detective Naranjo said, and included in the large duffel bag was a handwritten note.
“The note was just a two word, typed and printed message, but we’re not sure who it was meant for at this time,” Detective Naranjo said, adding that the message was simply, “eat these.”
Detective Naranjo says that the biggest challenge he and his team face will simply be identifying who would have the motive to send a bag of orange dicks to President-Elect Trump. However, he says that it’s an issue of “too many leads,” not too few, which is often the case in situations like these.
“The problem is so many people hate this guy we don’t know where the bag of dicks came from,” Naranjo said, adding that Trump is “the least popularly elected president of all time” and “he’s pissed off so many people” Naranjo’s list of suspects “starts with all 65 million people who voted for Hillary, then expands out to the few more million that voted for a third party candidate instead of him, and then eventually reaches such a wide perimeter it encompasses all the women he’s admitted to sexually harassing and assaulting.”
Naranjo conceded that finding the culprit will be extremely difficult, but he said the FBI and Secret Service will take over the investigation shortly and he hopes they may come up with some way of whittling down the list of suspects to “as few million people as possible.” Mr. Trump couldn’t be reached for comment as he was too busy tweeting about the latest thing President Obama said about him, but a source close to Trump said he was never afraid for his life, and he is “quite interested” in what the bag of dicks taste like.
This is a developing story.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.