Susan Rice Stops Robbery, Republicans Worried She Violated Thief’s Right to Privacy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former National Security Adviser Susan Rice may have violated a robber’s right to privacy when she thwarted his attempt to steal a cash register drawer from a grocery store last weekend. At least that’s the story that certain Congressional Republicans are saying to reporters. Some are even pushing for a select committee to investigate those charges.

Over the weekend, Rice, who had been the National Security Adviser to former President Barack Obama, was walking into her local grocery store when she bumped into a man who was running at full speed out of it. Unbeknownst to Rice at the time, the man had just brazenly ripped a cash register drawer out of the register itself and was bolting from the grocery store when he ran headlong into Rice. When she came to her senses, Ms. Rice figured out what had happened, and pressed her foot down firmly on the man’s neck, keeping him pinned in place while she grabbed his wallet from his back pocket.

It’s unclear at this time if Ms. Rice performed a citizen’s arrest, but several witnesses say she was still standing with her foot on the alleged thief’s neck when the authorities arrived. As law enforcement arrived, Rice handed them the suspect’s identification, which is when the story takes a turn for the political.

“When Susan Rice handed those fine police officers the suspect’s driver’s license,” Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) told reporters, “she divulged his personal information to them. This is a clear violation of his right to privacy, and I think it’s time we had a full, independent investigation to find out if she might have unmasked that man for purely political reasons.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) completely agrees with Senator Paul.

“My brill-haired, drawling, fellow fiscal sociopath makes some very valid points,” Ryan said, “because sure, she might have stopped a robbery, but at what cost, I ask you? Is it not a gross overreach of her powers to take that man’s personal info and hand it to the authorities?”

South Carolina Republican Congressman Trey Gowdy told reporters he believes that Rice may have been involved in a “much deeper, larger conspiracy” and that his theory must be “fully investigated.”

“I would not be at all surprised to found out,” Gowdy said during a morning prayer breakfast, “that Ms. Rice was carrying out this mission as part of a much larger, vast conspiracy. I wouldn’t be surprised of one Mr. Barack HUSSEIN Obama was the one who ordered the unmasking of the robber. And I would like to spend millions of dollars and thousands of hours investigating that hunch until we either find evidence to remotely back up my claims, or until we find the next shiny object to distract our base with.”

Ms. Rice could not be reached for comment, which InfoWars host Alex Jones told us was “proof that Obama, Soros, the Clintons, and Satan are behind all this.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This