Scores Of Women Demanding Susan Collins Turn In Her Vadge

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The office of Senator Susan Collins is confirming at the time of publication that is being inundated with demands from women all over the planet to “turn in her vadge,” one aide said.

“Like when the police chief in a cop movie tells the cop who’s a danger to other cops to hand in his badge and gun,” the Collins aide tells us. “It’s like that. Millions and millions of women just bombarding us with calls, faxes, emails, carrier pigeons. I’ve even seen ‘You’re a Traitor’ spelled out in sky writing up there.”

The demands that Senator Collins hand in her vagina started come almost immediately after it became clear, just moments into her long-winded explanation from the floor of the Senate about why she was going to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. With Collins’ speech announcing her intent to vote in favor of confirmation, and then with Democratic Senator Joe Manchin’s announcement that he’d be the lone Democrat voting in favor as well, the process seemed to be winding to a close.

But that didn’t stop Collins’ office from being “absolutely douched” with demands she rescind property rights to her vagina.

“If she’s going to force us to give up control of all ours, she has to go first,” one caller reportedly told a staffer. “She should put her hoo-ha where her mouth is. Then again, given her Joan Crawford-like speech patterns, that just make make the old duffel bag cream her dusty jeans, so never mind on that last part. But definitely write down that first part.”

Senator Collins says she plans to take a few hours to consider the millions of requests, and then completely ignore them, like she did the pleas of actual sexual assault survivors.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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