Susan Collins Declines Duel With Blake Farenthold, Challenges Him to 1 Meter Dash Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Susan Collins (R-ME), has issued a challenge to fellow a fellow Republican serving in the House of Representatives.

“If Rep. Farenthold wants to challenge me to some kind of contest,” Collins told reporters, “then I’d suggest a foot race. Let’s say, one meter. Just a single meter. That’s only about three feet. Let’s see if he can outrun me at that distance. I don’t think he can.”

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Collins was responding to what seemed like a veiled threat from Rep. Blake Farenthold of Texas. Speaking during an interview, Farenthold blamed “some female senators from the Northeast” for derailing the GOP’s effort to repeal Obamacare. Farenthold’s rhetoric got sharper and more violent, as well. He told the radio host whose show he was appearing on that if these women, whom he didn’t name specifically, weren’t women, he’d challenge them to a duel.

“If it was a guy from south Texas, I might ask him to step outside and settle this Aaron Burr-style,” Farenthold added. (source)

Mr. Farenthold was making a reference to the famous duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. The dispute between them arose out of an argument over policy, and Burr won the duel. It’s widely held as an example of what politicians should generally avoid, but that didn’t seem to matter to Farenthold.

Senator Collins said she thinks the foot race between them would be a more productive way to settle the dispute with Farenthold.

“Look, I’m not surprised that this guy wants to shoot me,” Collins said, “because I mean, clearly he’s not someone who can win a contest of actual, physical prowess, and he’d have to resort to a gun. I’d challenge him to a boxing match, but I don’t want to embarrass Blake too much, know what I mean?

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Buzz on the Hill over the proposed race has already begun. On both sides of the aisle, there seems to be bipartisan consent about who would win the race, should Farenthold choose to accept Collins’ challenge. Though Collins is older than Farenthold, some have seen a place where she holds a distinct advantage.

“I don’t want to be uncouth, but look at that fat fuck,” Senator Liz Warren (D-MA) told reporters, “I don’t think Blake can take more than a couple steps without taking a nacho cheese break. I’ve got my money on Susan all day, every day.”

One of Farenthold’s Republican colleagues was more subtle than Warren, but expressed very similar sentiments about Farenthold and his ability to best Collins in a race.

“Let’s put it this way,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told the press, “If the contest were fastest double-decker sandwich inhaling, he’d win hands down. Gravy chugging? Blake’s your guy. But any physical challenge that isn’t simply who can sweat more without moving an inch? Blake’s uber-robo-turber fucked, sorry to say.”

Rep. Farenthold at the time of publication had still not responded to Collins’ counteroffer. This story is developing.

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