Surgeons Asphyxiating From Wearing Masks Up 10,000,000,000,000% Since COVID-19 Outbreak

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The National Medical Research Institute of America has just published a report on the incidence of surgeons suffocating from lack of oxygen during procedures, and the results are stunning to say the least.

At a press conference announcing the study, NMRIA lead researcher Dr. Carol Kizzmiass told reporters that she and her team started tracking how many surgeons asphyxiated from wearing masks during surgery back in March. Dr. Kizzmiass explained that her team was motivated to do the research as they observed a debate raging among the general public. Should people wear face masks to help stop the spread of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus?

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“As a general rule, we don’t conduct scientific studies to settle politicized issues,’ Dr. Kizzmiass said. “Of course, as medical professionals, we all see the good that a mask-wearing public could do in stopping the spread of the disease, and didn’t think this was a political issue, given the factual science behind it. However, then Billy, one of our techs, reminded us that some people are trained to believe everything is political, which is very true.”

When Dr. Kizzmiass started seeing people claim that wearing a mask could lead to suffocating on the carbon dioxide one breathes out, she knew she could no longer simply discuss a study, she needed to “get one spun up ASAP.”

“We had some pretty good hypotheses about whether wearing a mask makes one susceptible to suffocation,” Dr. Kizzmiass said, “but we wanted to identify a group of people who wear masks extremely frequently, to study them. It didn’t take long for us to settle on surgeons and nurses who assist during surgery. There are probably no other groups that have such a high, daily amount of time wearing a mask than doctors, nurses, dentists, and other health professionals.”

It didn’t take long for her team to track down the number of reported incidents of death by suffocation or asphyxiation in medical professionals, Kizzmiass said. From there, they had their benchmark, and she and her team could start compiling statistics. By the time the numbers were all in, and they’d been analyzed, Kizzmiass says that as much time as she has in the field of research, even she was “blown away” but what she saw.

“An astounding ten trillion times more surgeons died from suffocating on their mask, comparing the data to this same time last year,” Kizzmiass said. “Our study shows that if you take the number of surgeons who asphyxiated during surgery last year, and multiply it by 10,000,000,000,000%, you get the number who suffocated to death so far this year.”

Kizzmiass says she’s “well aware” of what kinds of headlines will be written about her study, and so she made sure to “triple check all the math” in the study. She’s extremely confident in its accuracy. Despite the results, however, Kizzmiass believes that people can “take great solace” in what her study proved.

“At first glance, these numbers are staggering, but once you break them down, no one should be all that surprised by them,” Kizzmiass said. “Besides, once you get over the shock of seeing that high a spike, you’ll probably feel a lot better about putting a mask over your germ-spewing pie hole and doing the very small favor we’re asking of all humans to try to save the most vulnerable and keep our healthcare system from collapsing under the weight of this global pandemic.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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