SuperPAC Owner Threw Hundred Dollar Bills at Sanders Supporter to ‘Make Her Go Away’

HELIUM VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A chance encounter outside a grocery story in California led to a Pro-Hillary SuperPAC owner and a Bernie Sanders supporter in a heated exchange of words, and ended in over $25,000 in hundred dollar bills having to be cleaned up by store employees.

Heston Rigglesby, who founded With Her PAC, a pro-Hillary political action committee devoted to seeing the former Secretary of State win the California Democratic Primary, ran into 32-year-old Cheryl Lynn outside the Albertson’s on Grand Avenue in Helium Valley, CA. The two had actually gone to high school with one another, but lost contact. Rigglesby used a “small loan” of $750,000 and started a tech consulting firm, which grew during the last decade into a firm with annual revenue in the millions. Ms. Lynn went to school and got her Masters degree in English, and she now teaches high school level English classes.

After a brief moment of platitudes, Mr. Rigglesby noticed the Bernie Sanders button on Ms. Lynn’s purse strap. He scoffed.

“You’re not voting for that socialist, are you,” Rigglesby asked, the tone of disgust readily apparent, Ms. Lynn reported to our interviewer. She said that from that moment on, Rigglesby was intent on shaming, humiliating, and condescending to her in order to convince her to “just go away.”

Cheryl told us that at first Rigglesby laughingly asked why she “still needed free college” since she already had a job. She told him that her decision to support Sanders’ proposal for higher education for future generations, including her children and grandchildren, to be able to shape their own future without being saddled with impossibly-high student loan debt. That answer didn’t satisfy Rigglesby however, and he pressed harder.

“So I have to pay for your kid’s shit now,” he asked indignantly.

“No. I want to pay for my kid’s shit,” Cheryl shot back, “instead of paying for Haliburton’s contracts, or letting people like you stash billions, if not trillions on aggregate into offshore tax havens.” This flustered Mr. Rigglesby even further. He asked why Cheryl was risking dividing the Democratic Party. She answered that maybe it was Hillary who was dividing the party by not embracing its progressive economic platform except under extreme duress.

Rigglesby then asked Cheryl what it would take to make her “go away.”

“Is a hundred bucks enough,” he said as he peeled off a crisp $100 bill from his money clip and handed it to Cheryl. She threw the bill on the ground, telling him that money couldn’t buy her morality. “Oh come on,” Rigglesby pressed, “everyone has a price.”

At that point, Mr. Rigglesby just started rifling off hundred dollar bills at Ms. Lynn’s feet. The bills started piling up, but neither one budged. Rigglesby, undeterred when his money ran out, simply walked into the grocery story, withdrew more cash from the bank branch inside, and kept flinging bills at Cheryl’s feet.

“What’s it gonna take,” he asked, “how can I buy you Sanders backers off?! I know you need money more than I do.”

Cheryl laughed.

“Maybe, maybe not,” she said, clucking, “seen the fundraising totals so far? Bernie’s crushing it. We don’t need your cash. We need more tax revenue, and we need money out of politics.”

“But what if we get money out of politics by putting more money in politicians’ bank accounts,” Rigglesby asked, “isn’t that kinda the same thing. Hillary said she’s up for anything that she says she’ll decide once she gets in. Isn’t that a vague and yet assertive answer about what she’ll do to end corruption in politics for you?”

After thirty more minutes of throwing money at her, Rigglesby saw that he couldn’t convince Lynn to stop supporting Sanders. He pointed to all the money at Chery’s feet, but she wouldn’t give an inch. He decided to just walk away.

“Okay, but when the whole country collapses and Donald Trump is elected,” Rigglesby, “don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’ll all be your fault for not giving up hope before all the votes are counted, like good American Democrats do. Party first, country second, principles, eh, whenever.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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