WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Donald Trump presidential administration announced today that they have worked in conjunction with Fox Sports to rush a small production package into the pre-game show for the Super Bowl that will commemorate and honor the lives of those lost in the Bowling Green Massacre.
This week, top Trump counsel Kellyanne Conway made headlines when she reminded the mainstream media about what can only be described as one of the most horrific terror attacks on American soil ever. The Bowling Green Massacre may not ring a lot of bells for people who learned history in public schools, but for those who get their news from right-wing, or “correct” sources, the Bowling Green Massacre has lived in infamy since that fateful day in 2013 when it occurred.
“The good folks at Fox have always been very, very kind to us,” President Trump said while strolling around Mar-A-Lago this weekend, talking to the press corps, “and so we reached out and asked if they’d be willing to have their sports division let us put in a little video package, paying tribute to the brave souls who lost their lives in the Bowling Green Massacre.”
President Trump said the tribute would be “class as fuck, like everything with the Trump name on it.” He then stopped and asked a porter who was walking behind him to give the president an ice chest the porter was carrying. Trump removed a bottle of Trump water and a frozen Trump steak. President Trump flashed them around to the cameras, beaming with pride.
“Great stuff, great stuff this water and these steaks,” Trump said, “the finest kangaroo meat you can find in the best zoos out there, folks. And the water? Bottled right from my toilet, so it has bits of gold in it. YOU DRINK MY GOLD! Anyway, what was I saying?”
The press pool reminded Trump he was talking about the Bowling Green Massacre.
“Oh, right, very sad day, very sad,” Trump said, “almost as sad as I was the day I found out in New York you still can’t sleep with your daughter. We have to look into that folks, don’t we? Some daughter are too hot for incest laws to apply to them, know what I mean? Of course you do.”
“I want to fuck Ivanka,” Trump said to no one in particular. Suddenly, his chief of staff Reince Priebus whispered into the president’s ear. “You didn’t just hear that, and if you did it’s fake news. FAKE NEWS!”
Another pause. Trump asked again what he had been talking about. The press again reminded him.
“Of course, of course,” Trump said, pretending to understand, “very terrible thing, that thing I was talking about, isn’t it? Very terrible. Oh, hey, have we talked about me lately?”
Superbowl LI will played between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday, February 5th, 2017.
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