Super Bowl Halftime Show Makes Tomi Lahren’s Head Literally Explode

Authorities on the scene have indicated that, despite initial concerns, Tomi Lahren — Fox News contributing white supremacist — will likely make a full and complete recovery, despite her head literally exploding last night.

“Shortly after the the NFL’s Super Bowl halftime show concluded, we received an urgent 911 call about a sudden explosion,” Deputy Lt. Officer Darrel Diqchest told reporters this morning at press conference updating the media.

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“Witnesses we talked to when we arrived on the scene told us that right as rapper Eminem was kneeling, they heard what they thought was just a loud fart, followed by a high-pitched scream, and then silence.”

When officers entered the location of the reported explosion, they found themselves in Lahren’s apartment. NBC’s Super Bowl coverage was still playing on the TV.

“We weren’t too sure at the time what had caused Tilapia Lahren’s head to explode, but it was unmistakably her,” Diqchest divulged, “because the contents of what doctors identified as her brain were mostly just shredded racist MAGA bumper stickers, gravy, and gun oil.”

Although medical teams arrived on the scene shortly after Diqchest’s officers did and warned that the situation was quite dire, it didn’t take long for everyone involved to realize that her head exploding might not have been life threatening to Lahren whatsoever.

“The really weird thing is that her mouth never stopped making noise. Like, her head had literally just exploded, and her mouth just kept right on flapping,” Diqchest announced. “Most people can’t talk without a connection between their brain and their mouth, but the medics on the scene told me that apparently Tambourine’s mouth is actually connected to her asshole. You learn something new every day in this job.”

Putting the contents of her skull back together won’t pose that much a problem for the doctors tasked with that mission.

“Think of it this way,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, the surgeon in charge of sealing up Lahren’s skull told us, “if you tape a piñata back together, the candy might all fall out again. But if all you’re doing is filling the piñata up with farts and screaming KKK recruitment slogans into it, that’s a wholly different story.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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