Substack Debuts Adult Content Section Featuring Greenwald Sucking His Own Dick

“Of course, he’ll have to probably have to go on Tucker’s show and suck him off less, but he’s free to play footsie with white supremacists as much as his schedule will allow.”

Substack is a publishing website that has been around long enough to attract several fairly popular writers. Substack bills itself as a place to “take back your mind” and “for independent writers.” One of the most famous names that Substack can tout on its roster is that of Glenn Greenwald, co-founder of The Intercept, and the journalist who famously broke the Edward Snowden story.

Today, Substack announced that they were going to “leverage Glenn’s natural social media tendencies” and debut a new section on their website soon.

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“After reading Glenn’s contributions, both on Substack on and Twitter,” Substack announced today, “we have decided to open up an Adult Content section, and it will feature Glenn literally sucking his own dick, instead of just doing it metaphorically every day.”

Substack explained that “since everything Glenn writes, says, or does is meant to imply he’s the only smart, ethical journalist in the business,” they decided to give him an opportunity to make even more more “clearly doing what he loves most.”

“Let’s be perfectly honest — if you’re a regular reader of Glenn’s stuff, or his tweets,” Substack said, “you’re already very familiar with Glenn at least attempting to stuff his entire dick in his mouth on a very regular basis. And please, don’t get it twisted, if Glenn were straight or even asexual, we’d still all be able to see him doing his Glenn Greenwald thing. So when he reads this, if he accuses anyone of being homophobic, just remember Donald J. Trump is as heterosexual as they come, and he cannot pass up a chance to suck his own dick either, just like Glenn.”

The new Substack section for adult content may end up requiring more of Greenwald’s time, Substack acknowledges. That change may mean he has to revise his television appearance schedule.

“Of course, he’ll have to probably have to go on Tucker’s show and suck him off less,” Substack admitted, “but Glenn is free to play footsie with white supremacists as much as his schedule will allow.”

Greenwald was too busy lecturing a female journalist about her work to comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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