MORON VALLEY, MINNESOTA — Marcus Palumbozo is a stupidfuck. He has all the certifications he needs for the federal government to recognize his stupidfuck status and qualify for several grants set aside specifically for the nation’s stupidfuck . Marcus sat down with one of our reporters last week though, and told her that he’s already in “deep preparation” for what he hopes is a new path forward for himself, and when it’s all said and done, if everything goes according to his plan, Palumbozo will be a certified dumbfuck instead. Marcus call it a “potential life changer.”
“I knew from a pretty early age that I wanted to be a dumbfuck some day. I guess I just got kinda sidetracked on my way and ended up being a stupidfuck for a long time,” Marcus said. “I’d listen to people like Ann Coulter and Dan Bongino that Timothy Lahren woman and think to myself, ‘Woah, they’re saying stuff that makes a lot of sense to me, I must be a stupidfuck, not a dumbfuck.’ But it turns out, they’re all both stupidfucks AND dumbfucks! I didn’t know for a long, long time I could be both.”
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After doing some lengthy online research, Marcus found a school that offers a correspondence course in dumbfuckery. At the end of the course, he can take the federally mandated Dumbfuck Certification and Licensing Exam. Passing the DCLE will give Marcus unlimited future career options in the fields of both general and advanced dumbfuckery. With his certification, Palumbozo will be in rarefied air, and considered one of the nation’s foremost dumbfuck scholars.
“There’s just always been a feeling, deep inside my bones, really, that I’m a dumbfuck,” Marcus told us. “I can’t explain it, really. Maybe it was when I decided that climate change was a hoax. Maybe it was when I became an anti-vaxxer. Perhaps it was when I decided that tax cuts for the wealthy trickle down to the poor and working class. Maybe it was when I decided that the earth was flat because I’d never personally been into space to confirm it’s actually round. I don’t know for sure. I just know that my whole life, I’ve felt like a dumbfuck.”
Once he is officially dumbfuck certified, Marcus says he has a few career paths in front of him.
“Believe it or not, capitalism rewards dumbfucks. Think about it. How many rich people do you know that are utterly and completely stupid,” Marcus asked rhetorically. “As an officially certified dumbfuck, there all kinds of jobs I can get. Senator, real estate developer-turned-realityTV game show host-turned president…you name it! Things are really great for dumbfucks, but you gotta put in the time. You gotta get the certification. Then, the world is your dumbfuck oyster.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.