Strapped for Campaign Cash, Rand Paul Shares Mark Zuckerberg Facebook Status

HOBBES BEACH, KENTUCKY — Currently polling at less than 3% as a national average, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY), knows that he needs an injection of large campaign donations, and he needs them fast, according to sources close to the Kentucky Republican. Those same sources in the Paul campaign are confirming under condition of anonymity and forty-two bitcoins apiece that Senator Paul has a plan to get some much needed money into his coffers, and it involves Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

“Senator Paul is planning to take Zuckerberg up on his offer to give away $45 billion in Facebook stock,” one source in Rand’s campaign told us, “and he’s hopeful he’s the one that’s picked. The campaign aide also provided us a copy of the actual post that Senator Paul plans to put up on his official Facebook page, which follows below.

THANK YOU, MARK ZUCKERBERG, for your forward-thinking generosity! My backwards-thinking campaign could really use the money. And congrats on becoming a dad, though you had your baby with a minority, we can overlook that if you give us cash!

Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he is giving away $45 billion of Facebook stock. What you may not have heard is that he plans to give 10% of it away to people like YOU and ME! But we’re hoping that Mr. Zuckerberg realizes the best place to spend that money is on the campaign of a guy who has zero chance of winning either his party’s nomination or the general election. All you have to do is copy and paste this message into a post IMMEDIATELY and tag 5-10 of your friends, but please don’t do that since we need the money more than you do, we’re sure. At midnight PST, Facebook will search through the day’s posts and award 1000 people with $4.5 million EACH as a way of saying thank you for making Facebook such a powerful vehicle for connection and philanthropy, but again, we’re hoping that you’ll let us take all $45 billion for ourselves and our campaign for a man who is running to lead the government he despises so much.

As much as we’d like to have all of it for ourselves, we hope if that’s not the case, someone we know gets a piece of the pie — let me know us know if you do!!! Also: AUDIT THE FED!!!!!!!!1111oneoneoneoneoneone!

“Rand is super-duper excited at the thought of Mr. Zuckerberg’s gift,” the source told us, “and he’s already put in an order to purchase a new woodchipper to throw copies of the Constitution into as you scream, ‘This is what liberals do to our beloved Constitution,” and he’s ordered a custom dildo that’s stuffed with copies of the tax code that he can shout ‘Democrats want to fuck you with this!’ at his rallies.”

With just under two weeks until voters in primary states start casting ballots, Senator Paul trails billionaire Donald Trump by 34 points, Senator Ted Cruz by 15 points, and an inanimate box of used socks by 22 points.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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