Man Can’t Seem to Get Stoned Enough to Find Ann Coulter Funny or Intelligent

GREEN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Kevin Willmeyer is a 36 year old self-described “pot head.” Kevin also happens to run a successful construction and development company, and he receives awards from his community every year thanking him for the donations of time and money he gives to local causes. Willmeyer was named “Man of the Town” in 2014 when he helped the local Little League renovate their playing fields.

Willmeyer says he needs cannabis, or marijuana, to help his anxiety and depression, as well as at night time as an alternative sleep aid. He only uses marijuana, Kevin said, when the situation is safe and he has no responsibilities for a couple of hours or more. Mr. Willmeyer says most people in his community understand, and view his pot use no differently than someone else taking heart medications they need.

Politically, Kevin says he doesn’t lean too hard right or left on  many issues. He sees wisdom in keeping control at the lower levels of government, but also in a strong central government to make sure all the country’s citizens are protected and well-represented. After watching coverage of this year’s Politicon, Willmeyer says, however, that he wrote his very first letter to the editor in his town’s newspaper.

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What got Kevin so upset was a comment that Ann Coulter, conservative firebrand commentator, made about people who smoke pot.

“No. You can legalize all the drugs you want once there isn’t a welfare state, but no,” she said. “Marijuana makes people retarded, especially when they’re young. We’ve got enough bus boys. We’re bringing in bus boys by the million through our immigration policy. We do not need a country of bus boys. We’re destroying the country.” (source)

“For starters, who still uses the word retarded as an insult,” Kevin said, “This is 2017. Just call someone stupid or whatever. But secondly, what the fuck was that woman talking about? Has she not heard of Steve Jobs? Carl Sagan was a big proponent of marijuana, and guess what? He was pretty damn smart if you ask me.”

Willmeyer’s letter said that he was told by a friend that conservatives find Coulter funny and intelligent. Those two labels do not apply to Coulter, in Kevin’s view, however. He wrote that he always likes to “give people a shot to impress” him, so Kevin did what he thought would help him understand Coulter’s “shtick.” He wrote that he decided to get as high as humanly possible and check out Coulter’s speeches and books, thinking maybe that would help.

It didn’t help.

“I don’t get it,” Kevin said he told his friend watching Coulter with him, “Is her shtick just that she’s a screeching, racist broomstick in a blonde wig?”

Over the course of four hours, Kevin said he did six dabs, smoke four joints, pulled fourteen bong rips, and ate two large pot cookies. He says he’d never been so high in his life, and he’s pretty sure he figured out how to bend the space time continuum, but no matter how much weed he ingested, nothing made Coulter funny or intelligent. It was quite the conundrum.

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“I was so high Charlie Sheen would have told me to slow the fuck down,” Kevin wrote, “but that horrible, shrieking Banshee in a crisp white hood and robe just seemed even more racist and hate-filled. It was the grossest thing I’ve witnessed, and I’ve seen a guy accidentally nail his dick to a beam before.”

Ultimately, Kevin said he personally doesn’t think he could ever find Coulter to be funny or intelligent. However, he did concede that certain Americans might.

“I mean, maybe if I was a klansman, or thought my skin color was something to put under the special skills section of a job application I’d find her intelligent,” Kevin wrote.

Ms. Coulter did not respond to requests for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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