Senator Accidentally Inserts Hot Stock Tip Into Text of Daylight Savings Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A hot stock tip was accidentally inserted into the language of a bill that, if passed through the House and signed by President Biden, would permanently end Daylight Savings Time. Collegiate historians told us that they’ve lost count of how many times Congress has acted quickly to enact legislation to fix something that directly impacts them as well as the plebes they serve.

While it’s unclear which Senator or their staff accidentally left the stock tip in the text of the bill, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-Moscow) told reporters it was found and “taken care of before any harm could come from it.”

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“To be perfectly frank, I’m just grateful that someone noticed and deleted it from the text of the bill before something terrible could happen, like the general public benefitting from it,” McConnell said, wiping coal dust from his mouth and groin. “I commend our hardworking staff for fixing this situation before it really got out of control and some Poor or Nearly Poor made money off it, like we do.”

The staff member who eventually found and deleted the stock tip from the text of the bill was given bipartisan praise. This morning during a press conference Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-NYSE) echoed McConnell’s sentiments.

“We have a free market, and everyone should be allowed to participate. Particularly those with better information than The Normies have,” Pelosi said. “So, I applaud this young staffer who took the initiative to delete the stock tip so that it could stay where it belongs — among the people’s wealthy, entitled, elite elected class.”

The congressional aide who removed the stock tip before the public could see it will be honored with a special banquet dinner. They will also receive the Congressional Medal of Corruption, which is awarded to anyone who goes above and beyond the call of duty to keep congressional representatives on a better and stronger financial footing than the people who pay their salaries.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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