Steve Scalise Not Sorry He Punched Nun In Throat

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Steve Scalise has had a rough last few weeks already, and new detail from his past has just come to light that may send another chilling shock wave through the Louisiana congressman’s supporters’ spines. Just days after it was reported that in the mid-1990’s as a member of the Louisiana State Legislature Scalise had voted against a bill that would officially apologize for slavery, it has surfaced that defiance of apology is a common theme in his life.

When little Stevie Scalise was a fifth grader at St. Mary of Francis Bean of the Sacred Heart Elementary School he punched a nun in the throat, and reportedly to this day is unapologetic about it.

Sources close to St. Mary Francis Bean tell The Political Garbage Chute that while the punch was very clearly an accident as a result of an errant dodgeball thrown, it is quite disappointing that he has not shown atonement or contrition for his transgression either, which they say would disappoint their God greatly. When contacts, a source close to Scalise that wished to stay anonymous told us, “Rep. Scalise feels that when middle-aged white men are forced to confront their actions and act in some way that shows contrition, it sets a bad precedent. He thinks it’s reverse racism to expect a white guy to apologize for punching a nun, or for say, slavery. Frankly, Rep. Scalise just doesn’t think he should have to apologize for anything ever, because that’s all wrapped up in the First Amendment, speech and expression without consequences.”

We reminded the Scalise aide that the First Amendment has never been interpreted to mean freedom from consequences, but the aide replied, “Yeah, well, we control two-thirds of government right now, hippie, so just settle down on that civil liberty bullshit.” When asked if there was anything that the nun who got punched all those years ago could do to elicit an apology from their boss, Scalise’s staffer replied, “Look, if homeboy isn’t going to let his state apologize for slavery — the practice of literally owning black people as inhuman property — and all that would have taken was simply voting yes on a bill that is largely symbolic for all the right reasons…he’s not going to be repentant about a damn thing.”

We asked Scalise’s aide if the public should expect any more skeletons to come out of the congressman’s closet, and whether or not we should expect any sense of sorrow or embarrassment over anything that Scalise has done that could be considered racist or ignorant in today’s society. The aide simply laughed for a solid four minutes and hung up the phone.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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